The Woman Within

The holiday lights, the sights and sounds of Christmas and the thoughts of friends getting together for an evening of merriment. These were the makings for our holiday night out at the Crowne! Joanne and I arrived at the Red Roof Inn around 4:30 on this Tuesday Afternoon with enough time to prepare ourselves to go out that evening. After checking in at the front desk and receiving our key, we gathered our belongings and approached the door to our room. I inserted my keycard and turned the handle of the door only to be greeted by an out-rushing wave of heat as the door opened and I stepped in. It was immediately apparent upon examination of the thermostat, that the last person to vacate this now sultry abode, had taken it upon him or herself, to turn the heat up to its maximum position possible. The room felt as if it were approaching a temperature near enough to a level which would allow it to self combust as I quickly looked for ways to dissipate the heat. Certainly,

My latest foray out en femme was a wonderful experience for both my wife Joanne, and I. It was wonderful because it was affirming and supportive and it disposed of many of the pre-dispositions we held inside of us and paved the way for further exploration. For Joanne, it was primarily her fears of how I might be accepted and her worries for my safety. For me, it was more a concern towards how she felt and in our ability to blend in with a mainstream crowd. We started the night with a repeat visit to a local P.F. Changs Chinese Restaurant. The last time did not include the wives in the adventure so this was a new wildcard to add. This particular restaurant is most easily accessible from within the mall to which it is attached, and so, with this knowledge in mind, we parked underneath the Nordstrom's anchor store as a base of entry. Joanne and I along with another couple were ready to begin our entry into the mall. There were some moments of panic and distress from

More than a few requests have trickled in regarding my first adventure out into the mainstream world last Tuesday evening and so here's the trip log and a little bit of what I was feeling and experiencing.... Although I had been out prior to alternative clubs as my true feminine self, I had not as of that point, ventured to great degree into the more busy realm of the mainstream world. Last Tuesday evening represented my first foray into the greater world and it was met with great success and validation. The evening was to start with dinner at a mainstream Chinese Restaurant linked to a major mall. As we drove through the parking lot of the mall in multiple loops, it became more and more obvious that this restaurant would only be accessible by entering in through the Mall. This realization added a layer of subdued panic to that moment, although I composed myself to maintain authority of the impending situation. We parked in the garage under Nordstrom's and ma

Repressed memories really do take some time to surface I am finding. I have only in the past 6 months come to realize so much about myself from childhood that I never thought I even remembered and this was before I started to research this. The past came at me with a single remembrance one evening recently that struck me and opened doors into my memory that I never knew existed. Working back through the memories, I pulled out many photo albums which contained pictures taken during my childhood. I looked at each one carefully. Facial expressions, poses for the camera - all were examined. I asked my spouse to look through these as well and to independently come up with her assessment of what she saw. It was the poses, the way I stood, the way I looked, the way I had my hands on my hips. The looks of sadness or that look of being a million miles off in space when the picture was taken. Some of the pictures from the teenage years, she said, showed a deep depression. She w

Recently, a thought came to me.... "Happiness is the journey, not the destination" which started me to thinking about this in the context of the life I have led thus far. Earlier in my life, I felt that happiness could be obtained by carefully mapping out my life and connecting the goals-of-life dots. The end result was thereby the penultimate achievement and the journey then was at times being ignored. In the process, I suppressed my own sense of self to fit the mold that would map out this course of direction. As time passed, I checked off each of the things I managed to achieve and came closer to the materialistic and definable goals I had mapped. In the process, I ignored my own sense of self and ignored the journey it needed to fulfill. I had suppressed the journey of self in favor of reaching the destinations of the material life. It was not a negativity, just a lack of inclusion for an important facet that was being repressed. In a similar way, I am fin

Last night, Saturday, was my first event out as Christen. It seemed difficult for me to believe that I had waited for so long to actually do this but I needed to be ready and comfortable in my own mind as much as I needed for my wife, Joanne, to be as well. The day itself, and what we later did afterward that evening, were a momentous and defining series of events for us both. The main and only event we were initially considering attending was a Tri-ESS chapter meeting in New Hampshire. We both had talked about this impending event with some trepidation and anxiety. There were numerous potential problems we feared we would encounter. The list was wide ranging with some of the fears bordering on ludicrous as we built up complex scenarios that we might potentially incur. Saturday morning was busy enough however to put many of those fears at bay as we scrambled to put together our contribution to a pot-luck dinner for the Tri-ESS meeting that afternoon. After that, it was

As time moves on, the fog slowly lifts it's shroud to reveal more about the essence of my life till now. Like so many other transgendered individuals, I somehow knew I was different from other children at a very early age. As early as age 5, I remember trying on earrings from my mother's jewelry box. My hair was always very long as my parents apparently had a fondness for "big hair". I used to hear such comments from other mom's indicating what cute little girl I was - only to be quickly corrected by my mother. I, however, relished and thoroughly enjoyed these remarks but at that age, was not sure why. In grammar school, I sat primarily with the other girls and enjoyed their companionship and conversation to that of the boys. I especially enjoyed the friendship of one girl who used to either be at my house or me at hers every day playing. These platonic friendships all seemed to end right about age 12 or so and I remember that I felt isolated and no

In 2007 we decided to move to New Hampshire and to find a house in the country. I had had enough of the social stresses and of having to play the male role I had to force upon myself daily in life and at work. It had been my self imposed responsibility and duty to play someone I was not. The woman inside me praised my ability to play this role by doling out anxieties and frail nerves to the point I could not exist to play the part any longer. We had visited Alaska twice in the years prior and I had fallen in love with the grandeur and splendor of the wilderness and of the solitude that was offered in abundance there. I had considered to move there and was speculating real estate outside of Fairbanks. But in reality, I knew this would not be realistic with both our families and for our jobs. We then turned our eyes back to New England and searched in New Hampshire, looking in the far northern reaches of the state. Joanne and I found a beautiful Log Home in Colebrook on 16 acres and hi

Some of the Music whose lyrics really speak what's on my mind and in my heart.... Any of the items in red are clickable to bring up the music video... "So silent, No violence, But inside my head so loud and clear You're screaming, Cover up with a smile I've learned to fear" Lisa Miskovsky: "Still Alive"  "Set Me Free" by Chasing Eidolon "Like a Dream in the night, Who can say where we're going?" Brian Ferry: "More Than This" "I'm looking at myself, reflections of my mind, It's just the kind of day to leave myself behind" Moody Blues: "Tuesday Afternoon" "Why do we never get an answer when we're knocking at the door?" Moody Blues: "Question of Balance" "Life is bigger than you... And you are not me..." REM: "Losing My Religion" "I reached inside myself and found... Nothing there to ease the pressure of my ever

This is a work in progress...  please check back for new links as they are noted and added.... Transgender Basics - Understanding what it means to be Transgender - Great Video http://gaycenter.org/gip/transbasics/video One stop shopping for Name and Gender Change in Massachusetts Massachusetts Transgender Political Commision  Changing sex marker on a birth certificate - Listed by state http://wiki.susans.org/index.php/Changing_sex_on_birth_certificates_in_the_US Transgender 101: A primer page http://www.wikihow.com/Respect-a-Transgender-Person Listing of Diagnosis Codes for Doctors and Therapists for Billing An excellent resource page for all who are transgender http://www.transgendersoul.com/ Traveling by Plane - What you need to know from the TSA http://www.tsa.gov/travelers/airtravel/assistant/transgender.shtm Changing Your Passport: http://www.tsroadmap.com/reality/passport.html#us http://travel.state.gov/passport/get/first/first_5100

"Is that good...being like everybody? Isn't that the same as being nobody? ....There's got to be more to life than just that...." Number 12 Looks Just Like You "We must cut out all that is different, like a cancerous filth" Beauty is in the eye of the beholder "After a time, you may find that having, is not so pleasing a thing after all, then wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true" Amok Time