Life is a Journey - Make sure you get the right roadmap to the universe

I'm quite sure I picked up the wrong one on my way out the door....

Monday, September 19, 2011

Joanne's Middle Sister Finally Met Christen!

Last weekend was a spectacular one in that my spouse and I traveled down to Connecticut to visit with her middle sister, Julie and with our nephew, Joseph. Joseph has known about and been out with Christen on numerous occasions but his mother, Julie, had not... until this past weekend that is. I will admit that both Joanne and I were somewhat nervous with this evening beforehand as her sister is somewhat insecure in some situations and worries often about other's opinions.

With me dressed tastefully with a nice multi tone blouse, black sweater wrap, black jeans and some fashionable boots, I made my grand appearance for Julie. We could see she visibly taken aback and said she was amazed how good I looked and that I presented very, very well. With a level of confidence in her eyes, we all headed out for dinner. Joanne's mom was with us once again and the five of us ended up at the Olive Garden. The place was mobbed when we arrived and the wait was longer than the 15 minutes promised. With little seating room, we had to mill around in the lobby area during the wait. Julie was watching me interact with the hostess, and just generally keeping an eye on what if any oddities might be noted in this very, very crowded and close quartered environment. I later chatted with them both and they both agreed how natural I was and how invisible I was to everyone else in the restaurant. This was quite amazing a compliment I thought, especially from Julie, who was so worried that people would be laughing at the "guy in the dress". Instead, all she and they saw that night was a tastefully dressed woman with a bit of witty sense of humor instead.

Dinner went flawlessly and later, back at the house, Julie sat down with me to ask me more questions about what it was like growing up as transgender and what it felt like for me inside both then and now. She also commented separately to both Joanne and to me that I was a totally different person as Christen. I asked what she meant and how I was different. Her response was similar to many others I have heard since coming out... "That I appear happy and alive...and that when you are in your male mode as 'G', you always seemed so down and depressed" . She remarked as well that she would love to do this again anytime I am down there visiting. I'm so happy I had this opportunity and that it went so well!

Friday, September 9, 2011

18 Years Strong....

Sunday marks the 18th anniversary for J and I. It is a time now for us to reflect upon the lives we have shared together. We have grown to understand each other at such a fine level; finishing each other's sentences, thinking each other's thoughts and knowing the emotions which each is feeling without ever asking. We are two... but as one... in a way which I rarely seem to see in others in the world today. Of anyone, she is the one who knows me the deepest of anyone and understands me the most. Having gone into this marriage with her knowing I was a cross-dresser was not so difficult and ominous a thing as when the realization materialized that this was something seriously more just two and one half short years ago.

In an instant, our relationship changed. It deepened and grew stronger. It became more intense with periods of intense joy of knowing I was on a path to be happier and sadder with the slow loss of the husband she had married. It has been her gift of sharing and of giving to the woman who was inside me that has helped my female spirit to take form and soar, and it is my realization that she has given such a gift, that I hold back from fully transitioning. For it is with my finding of congruity that she will lose all sense of hers. But it is a place where we are fluid and adaptive and where my spouse adapts beyond the measures of most, for it is by her love that she gives. She gives because she loves but not because she appeases to keep a part of the husband she married. She does it because she finds happiness in seeing my soul set free.

She was the one who wanted to pierce my ears, bought the gun and did it. She is the one who would come home, excited, with a new blouse or makeup for me... and nothing for herself. She loves to see me happy and rejoicing in the gifts she brings and often precludes her own self in the process. I can see no greater sense of the meaning of love than in this.

I, and we, do not know what tomorrow will ever bring. My only wish is that whatever tomorrow may bring as we travel the road of life, that we experience it together.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Equality for some, but not for all....

I just saw the movie, "The Help" this evening and it was poignant and emotional. The plight of the African Americans and their abuse, estrangement and isolation from mainstream society in the formative days of the civil rights movement are very reminiscent of the treatment we, the transgender population face today in this 21st century. In similar ways, we are marginalized, victimized, isolated and our rights taken away or lessened for our being trans....

I doubt a similar movie, such as "Gun Hill Road" would stand a chance in the mainstream theaters today.... How hypocritical we are as a human race for not seeing the damage done by many in the population who say they promote equality.

And all of this hits me like a ton of bricks when I see Chaz being demeaned and belittled as a person, a human being..... simply for trying to dance on prime-time television. He is not bringing an agenda with him other than to show the world that he is another human being like anyone else who is thrilled to have the chance to not be judged by the networks for who he is and to be allowed to dance in competition.

I see too, the struggles faced by transgender individuals and the inequity in how they are treated under the law. In a case where a malicious crime is perpetuated against a trans individual, the sentence is often diminished by virtue of the sheer assumed fact that a trans person provokes another or provides reason for the actions wielded unto them simply by the variance in their presentation. It is sad to think that even freedom of expression and of self are undermined even at this base level. Fears of sexual deviance in a trans person confuse the lines between gender identity and sexual identity. One does not beget the other yet necessarily and exclusively. Unfortunately the mainstream populace does not realize this and so we are marginalized once again.

Thank goodness for the role models in our community who simply wish to live their lives and to promote an education of their own journey and to show others that they are no less and no more human than any other person we share this planet with. Let us not discriminate others who simply try to live their lives in an honest way to themselves and towards the world and who wish no malice unto others and ask only to be allowed to live their own.

Equality in this country seems truly to be a thing subjectively entitled only to those to whom it is deemed appropriate.