Life is a Journey - Make sure you get the right roadmap to the universe

I'm quite sure I picked up the wrong one on my way out the door....

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Standing on the Edge of Two Genders

I seem to have entered what I term as the "Androgynous Zone".  I am not sure how I arrived here, but here I stand.  I am perched on a precipice that allows me to look down either side of the chasm into the male or female worlds.  I am balanced at this point or am I?  My perceptions of this realm I believe I am in are challenged by the world around me.

I recently showed my picture on my license to someone who remarked, "How do you get away with using that picture of you?  It looks nothing like you"

A friend I had not seen in a year remarked how soft my skin has become and how translucent it now seems to be.

I look in the mirror and I see the same person I have always seen.  Someone takes a picture of me in my guy mode and I freak out with what stares back to me in photos.  I race to look at my old pictures and they are not the same person.

A walk on the street yields many numbers of low breathy remarks wondering what box I exist in.

I cannot understand the changes I have seen.  I have been told my face is more feminine and softer, yet I am not on Estrogen of any form.  Pictures tell a different story and show a different face.

I have been taking what would be considered to be a minimal amount of dutasteride... 0.5 mg.  Enough in the vast majority of biological males to only serve to help lessen hair loss but with only a fraction of a percent of those taking it  having the effects which I am seeing.

Why is it that my weight has gone up and my waist size has gone down?  Why am I seeing my breast size slowly but insidiously growing?  It is not gynecomastia but have been told now by several that they are real breasts.  Where did this added weight on my bottom come from I wonder.

I'm starting to wonder if I really am on the edge of two worlds or if I have found myself stumbling into the feminine realm without consciousness of having done so.  I don't know anymore.  My perception is perhaps skewed.  The person who stares back at me in the mirror is not the same person in the pictures.  I seem often to not be the driver of my own bus in this life, but simply a passenger on it.  When I define where my bus is on the map of eternity, I am told that I am somewhere else entirely.

I'm not sure anymore.  I feel like a switch has been tripped and I am on a ride of my own life.  The only thing I can say is that the person who stares up at me from deep below my perch in that chasm of maleness never did once smile truthfully in his entire life.  The woman who reaches out from below me on the other side always leaves a smile on my face as I look back at her.

The intersection of two genders is a vastly lonely and tremendously difficult place to be.  I will stay for as long as it takes, for the love who brought me to this point and who enabled me to climb is the sole reason why I am here at all.

And the view is truly awe inspiring, wondrous and amazing....


Remembering our friend Stephanie Forbes, whose life was cut short all too short in an instant.  Her stress from being outed by everyone and estranged by all in her family left her feeling as if those who loved her only did so conditionally.  It left her without a job and a family and it left her very, very alone.  I miss her very much but take heart that she had made some wonderful friends in the transgender community.  She especially said that she looked towards my spouse and to me with great respect, admiration and love for the hope that we brought to her.  Her life will live on through our wonderful memories of times shared together both virtually and when we met.  Her profile and pictures live on and it feels like only yesterday that we said our last goodbyes.