Life is a Journey - Make sure you get the right roadmap to the universe

I'm quite sure I picked up the wrong one on my way out the door....

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

It's late evening and I'm home alone. Joanne is staying at her mother's house and I'm half dressed in the quiescent solitude enfemme and staring at the reflection in the mirror of the boygirl looking back at me. Half of my beard has disappeared at this point thanks to a combination of laser and electrolysis treatments. My longer fingernails and shaved arms look feminine now and my hair is growing out to longer lengths. I am thinking how I am looking forward to getting out on Saturday enfemme again but also at the lie I am living each and every day. I do it to hold together the life I have allowed to be created around me. It's the life I live based upon the expectations that others have come to expect of me. I worked to please my parents and my friends and my co-workers and my managers and my in-laws and now my wife. I've always wanted to be what everyone hoped and now has come to expect me to be. I've spent my life trying to please others and in so doing thinking that this would please my own self. Truth be told, nothing could be farther from the truth.

The tower of cards was built tall and now it shakes in the flutter of the wind which threatens to knock it down in a flash. Me getting out as my female self has only served to affirm who I am inside. For years I hid my identity by rationalizing that I was a boy who enjoyed being feminine on occasion as a form of release. I was the boy who occasionally looked at himself as a girl in the mirror. Now, I shudder when I look in that same mirror – a year later. I was a boy who presented as a girl on occasion. Now I see a girl who must pretend to be a boy to satisfy the world that HE has both created and allowed by others to be affirmed in its creation around him.

The tables are turned now. I don't know when it happened but it has. It's far more scarey than I had imagined it could be for I am not the person I thought I was. The boy was really the mirrage and the reflection of that girl I would see in the mirror was really me. The boy is the reflection in the mirror and the girl was now me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am constantly on the verge of crying. I am elated and depressed at the same time. I am free yet trapped. I am around so many who can understand yet utterly alone and most of all, I am very very afraid. I don't know what to do anymore and I can't pull it together for the sake of others any longer. Something will break soon, or I will.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Therapy, Shopping and Support

I haven't blogged in a while. It's mostly been just the normal happenstances of life lately post Be-ALL although yesterday was a wonderful day in a number of ways.

I had another session with my therapist in the afternoon. My earlier ones with her had been enHomme as I would see her and then head over to my electrologist for some clean-up. This time however, I did see her enfemme for the first time. Nothing extraordinary, just some jeans, a casual blouse and my very comfortable sketchers for shoes. She seemed quite pleasantly surprised and indisputably in something of a bit of sensory overload taking this all in. I owe this to the variance in presentation between my gorilla presentation prior to electro in male mode and my "cleaned up" self.

The session was good and she seemed to note continually over the course of our discussion how naturally feminine my behavioral mannerisms were. To this I simply noted that I was not cognizant of my actively attempting any such behavioral traits in my presentation. I related to her how all of this is very natural and that my whole realm of femininity, at least as I see it, is simply a realization and personification of the inner woman I feel as inside, and whose inability to fully express as such in my male role caused me most of my angst. She did relate how as I express and allow myself to be as I feel inside more and to greater degrees, that I will start to "leak out" a number of traits while in male mode. Of course I had a number of stories to relate to her in those regards as these sorts of occurrences are becoming more and more numerous without my full realization they are occurring.

I've pretty well been able to come to terms with what's going on within me and my therapist fully agrees that I have developed a good assessment of the factors and issues surrounding my GID. At this juncture, as I explained to her and to which she agrees, my only main issues at this point are in determining how all of me can be integrated successfully into the variety of challenges which present themselves forward, Again, a slow and methodical series of steps which involves assessments at each interval seems to be working best. Change seems to be accepted better I find when it is dealt in small increments (no pennies please however :) ) This applies to my own self as well as to the world around me with which I interact.

After Therapy, I picked up Joanne at the mall and we headed over to the local Dress Barn to do some light shopping. It was great that Joanne really enjoyed the experience as did I. We did note that one of the sales associates was somewhat unsure in how to relate to me and I could sense trepidation in her to some degree. this was easily overcome as I began conversing with one of the other sales associates and engaged her in conversation. As the more timid sales associate noted the acceptance by the woman I spoke with, she warmed up as well. Basically it was and always is my own personal responsibility to command the situation in a polite and respectful manner to alleviate the initial concerns of those who might recognize me as being visually different from what they may be used to.

On the other hand, I am quite sure that there were a number of individuals in the store who had not a clue that I was anything but a woman shopping. I am estimating a "pass factor" of about 70-80% from what I can see and I'm fairly certain what key areas at this point allow me to "pass" or "not pass" when out and about. It's actually a culmination of a variety of aspects which are visually absorbed by others. Depending upon which aspects are read and associated together determines the resultant conclusion of "male" or "female". Some of these aspects I have control over and others I do not without physical modification. More importantly, there are a series of non-visual clues which one can command to tip the scales in a favorable direction!

I tried on a number of items as did Joanne and we did procure an assortment of unique items at truly clearance prices. We chatted with the employees a bit too long though and found ourselves a bit late to get on the road to our next stop at a local support group meeting hosted by a local transgender female doctor in New Hampshire. After a 45 minute drive, we arrived fashionably late (love that term as it allows me to be late and justify it for absolutely no plausible reason).

The group was quite large and we had the pleasure of seeing a number of women who we already knew as good friends from Pink Essence and our exploits out in the past. It was also wonderful to see a number of fresh faces and women in an entire variety of stages of womanhood. We shared stories as the moderator of the group, herself a transgender therapist, offered each of us to relate. There were some very sad stories of loss and of grieving and stories of those who had successfully transitioned as couples. All in all, it was a great evening to meet friends both old and new and to share and inter-relate with each other in ways that allowed us to help our own selves and other through sharing of perspectives and thoughts.

Our only negative of the evening was, as usual, chatting much too long and facing the wrath of wildlife which rule the roads toward the realm we call our home. That evening's count included 4 Turkeys, 3 Porcupines, two foxes and a deer I did see (not a pear tree). Fortunately none of these encounters were anything but visual and we safely arrived home about midnight.