Life is a Journey - Make sure you get the right roadmap to the universe

I'm quite sure I picked up the wrong one on my way out the door....

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Great Weekend with the Girls!

This past weekend 5/15-16 was a wonderful experience as Joanne and I were able to meet up with so many of our friends at once! Since Marsha and Sue were coming up from New Jersey and Connecticut respectively, and a bunch of our other friends were coming from Massachusetts, we thought to all stay at a hotel in a location central to everyone.

We arrived at the hotel about 3pm and quickly readied ourselves. Joanne set up the dining room table in our two bedroom suite with an array of place settings for doing a Mary Kay makeover which she and I were hosting. I spent the better part of two hours helping her set the table, getting the food I had prepared the day before ready and getting my makeup on.

Stacie showed up first - around 5pm to get dressed and ready and then everyone else filtered in after that. We had Sheila, Lida, Sarah, Marsha, Sue, Kelly, Helen (The Mary Kay Director coaching Joanne), Joanne and myself crammed into what was rapidly becoming a very *small* suite!

Joanne provided a makeup demonstration and I wafted between a few roles helping her with makeovers on some of the girls and entertaining. Joanne's Mary Kay Director, Helen, had seen me in guy mode the last time we met up and could not get over the variance in both my appearance and in my demeanor as Christen. She kept remarking how much more social I was in my feminine mode and could not get over it!

We all enjoyed some lasagna with Italian Bread and pizza which I had baked up earlier and then a birthday cake to celebrate Marsha, Sue and my birthday's all coming up (we are each one day off from the other - Does that say anything?)

We then wrapped up dinner and headed over to the Club 313 in Manchester, NH where we enjoyed a drag show and some dancing in the other attached room. It was so wonderful to meet up with Marsha too who I had not had the opportunity to meet in person until this evening and of course Sue, who we had not seen since last December. We also met up with quite a few from the Sister's of Boston who we see regularly at the club as well.

Sarah came back with us to our hotel as she had left a few things of hers there and we chatted and ate lasagna and cake until 4 in the morning! We were lucky enough to catch about 3 hours of sleep after that before we arose to get ready to head out with Marsha and Sue for some shopping and dinner! Our waiter, who was very much gay, was quite reserved in his manner of speech when he first introduced himself to us but it was not long until we had him laughing. His pretenses dropped quickly and his manner of speaking became more flamboyant and showy. We simply had a wonderful time that afternoon chatting with each other and just relaxing in the comfort of the sofa's we sunk into in that cozy lounge there.

All in all, an awesome weekend sharing time with so many wonderful friends. I can't wait to do it again one day soon!

Monday, May 10, 2010

It's been a considerably busy last few weeks. Joanne has been dealing with a flu, then a cold, then me with a cold and then her with a root canal. I haven't been out enfemme for about three weeks. What I have noticed is that I have not felt the need to get fully dressed at home yet the anxiety grows worse. Dressing doesn't resolve it like it once did and the realization is truly taking hold that it's so much more than the clothes. Joanne sees small changes that I never really picked up on - like the way I walk which is pronouncedly more feminine she says. The way I talk and hold myself seems to have varied as well. Even my voice has been ranging into my practiced femme range and hanging there when we are out.

I honestly am not consciously working to achieve any of these things - they seem to just be occurring. I feel like a woman even if I am not dressed and I am feeling like this is some kind of huge mental border I have just crossed. I've also lost track of some realm of self identity. My self as presenting to the world enfemme feels like my true self now and my own sense of self as male seems to feel as a facade. Something keeps pulling me inexorably in a directed motion towards a feminine realm internally regardless of how I present.

It's a bit unnerving but everything also feels more correct and in greater alignment than at any other time in my life...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Back to relative normality....

My last episode is over - and it seems that when I do have them, they are seemingly progressively worse. When I am beyond one of these meltdowns, it feels as if really they never occurred. That's not totally true, but I do feel detached from myself when they occur - as if it happened to a different person. The underlying anxieties are still there, omnipresent and lurking just below my conscious realm but they seem to be manageable. I only wonder when another such breakdown could suddenly occur.
For now - all systems back to nominal but the waters are turbulent just below the surface.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Total Meltdown

Joanne was off to the Walmart to purchase the staple goods needed to help her in her new business venture selling Mary Kay Cosmetics. She called me from the store to let me know the good news that while she was at the bank opening a business checking account, the associate helping her remarked how she would love to have Joanne do a Mary Kay party for the employees there sometime soon.

I was ecstatic but the thoughts also hit me like a ton of bricks.

I was preparing my dinner over the stove when the thoughts all came at me at once. I realized it all - why I went into the computer sciences - to escape from people and having to deal with gender issues. The panic attacks I used to incur around women. the realization that I was not a woman, perhaps not ever going to be a woman and now married to a woman I loved dearly. I truly wanted to do exactly what Joanne is doing now; something in the cosmetics industry or fashion industry. I've grown to loathe my profession with a passion - this same profession that I had been in for 25 years. True it has paid the bills and provided for us well but it has become soulless work for me and I had grown apathetic in my endeavors to strive in it any longer.

I was happy for Joanne - not jealous - but I realized how much I had lied to myself over these years in so many ways - how many decisions I made to continue that lie and now the consequences of realizing the truth of who I was - who I was meant to be - and yet still having to continue to live that lie day by day by day.

It was all too much and I felt trapped in a prison of my own design and that i had constructed with each lie I had created to continue it.

I dropped the pan onto the counter and began hysterically crying like I had never before in all my life. It wouldn't stop and after 10 minutes or so of this it became wailing more than crying - my whole body convulsing. I stumbled downstairs to the basement office and dropped to the floor sobbing relentlessly.

Joanne called to see what I was up to and I asked her if I could drive up to meet her at Walmart. I couldn't stay in the house another moment - I had to get out. She sensed that something was wrong in my voice as I held back my emotions and shrugged it off as the congestion of my cold I was getting over. i don't think she bought it but said for me to drive up and join her.

It was a 12 mile drive and took about 20 minutes. Every time I thought I had caught my composure, I would break down in tears and wailing moans while driving. The road was empty and not a car on it as I slowed the vehicle down. Somehow I made it to the store, gained my composure and proceeded in.

When I ran into Joanne, I never realized just how bad I looked. I wondered why I was receiving odd looks from others who passed me by. Joanne wondered if I was having an allergic reaction. My face had swelled and turned red as did my eyes which were squinting slits. I waited to tell her the truth after we left the store.

It was the tug of war between my love for her and not wanting to hurt her emotionally or in any other way and the torment I was feeling inside living my life as a lie. I looked at other men now and realized how distinctly different I was inside from them - how more closely aligned I was to women - all the time knowing that I could never be in their circle and knowing how much of a failure I was around circles of men. I felt completely alone inside a body which I felt was not my own and not wanting to destroy another's life in the realization of the fallacy of my own.

They crying is over now but I feel emotionless, devoid and numb within my own self.
I hope that things will get better soon...