Life is a Journey - Make sure you get the right roadmap to the universe

I'm quite sure I picked up the wrong one on my way out the door....

Thursday, October 30, 2014


I hear it asked a lot.... mostly by people who are not dealing with Gender Identity Dysphoria. I should clarify it a little, since I do hear or see the reference in passing on multiple occasions.... It's the verb "want" as in "why someone would want to be a female". I see the vernacular a lot and I really do believe that from the vantage of one who is not dealing with GID, understanding the difference between "want" and "am" are really almost impossible to extrapolate out or differentiate.

The "am" part is not visible to anyone else but the person dealing with the it looks to everyone else like "want". When I speak of "am" - I speak to the fact that I am a woman. I happened to inhabit a body that is male. Without meeting me or having known me, it is another impossibility to see that either. It would make perfect sense if you did. you would have seen prior, a person who looked effeminately male by body design and features and who acted, emoted, talked, behaved and in all respects exuded typical female qualities which other, natal women had, and continued to express of me.

I didn't want to change anything. I didn't want to transition. I just didn't want to suffer living a life that was like a 45 year acting role as a character I never was and as a character, in the guise of a male, who was oddly looked at, perceived and misconstrued as all sorts of things she wasn't...... "Oh, he might just be gay", "He has a very effeminate way about him", "He isn't like most guys". Sure, I could and did shrug it off, but I lived, associated and had relations with fellow human beings as a guy and I had no idea how to relate after four decades. It was always alien.

The great experiment as living as my true self only verified for me and was resounded in chorus by so many others, so many natal women who never knew me before as anything but the woman I am....and that I was, to them, a woman. There is no want to live my life as a woman....far from it. I just realized I had to live my life as who I already was my whole life.

Believe me, it is so much easier to relate to the world in a way that relates back to me without contest or question and to experience kinship with others in ways that I finally just feel like I have, after 49 years being gone away, just arrived to the comfort of home. I'm home...... That's it.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

The Road Ahead

I saw my therapist yesterday.  It seems I see her between every six months and a year.  I unloaded a LOT on her. Like a soap opera where you miss a half season and then tune in only to be inundated with a whole new set of issues, so this session was yesterday.  There have been some huge changes: a lot of personal growth, some major paradigm shifts in my own sense of being as a woman and some discussions about what lays ahead.

The occasional thoughts of even considering the notion of going "back" to being who I was is so completely ludicrous in perspective from where I am now.  Realizing I was a person playing an actor in my own "play of life" and being completely miserable at both intense and subtle levels throughout the past 45 or so years has been a revelation only visible from where I stand as a woman now.

As if a puzzle assembled incorrectly, so the pieces are falling into place to see the entire picture of the puzzle of my life manifest before me now.  At this point, it is simply a matter of time to put all of the pieces into place before the last one is inserted and, like a light switch being flipped, the minutia of the paperwork will be completed and it will be done.

There is no fanfare in what I do, no congratulatory which can be offered that I would accept.  It simply remains that I will be able, as I am finding I am now, to live what remaining time I may have on this Earth as the person I knew as a child I always felt, behaved, socialized, and emoted as.  Those who knew me in this world prior saw a person that was always very different and detached from the gender she was assigned at birth.  The years of ostracization, exclusion, differential feelings and emotive responses, being isolated, singled out, bullied and wrongly labelled as something and someone I was not are being replaced with a confident, outspoken, contented and happy woman.  Just being able to feel that makes up for anything else that could be thrown at me as I chart my own course forward.  If I am not truthful to my own sense of self, then how can I extend that without hypocrisy unto others in my life?

The adventure continues.  I have several new frontiers I am finding myself crossing into right now...uncharted territory to be sure yet also realms and experiences which are so very affirming yet again in who I am.  I still, at times, can't believe just how comfortable this all is.  It's like I just started to live my life authentically to myself nearly a half century into it.  I have very little idea, at this point, what tomorrow will feel like, but if it's anything like what I am feeling inside now, I'm ready for it.  Bring it on.