Life is a Journey - Make sure you get the right roadmap to the universe

I'm quite sure I picked up the wrong one on my way out the door....

Monday, August 17, 2009

My Life Until Now......

As time moves on, the fog slowly lifts it's shroud to reveal more about the essence of my life till now.

Like so many other transgendered individuals, I somehow knew I was different from other children at a very early age. As early as age 5, I remember trying on earrings from my mother's jewelry box. My hair was always very long as my parents apparently had a fondness for "big hair". I used to hear such comments from other mom's indicating what cute little girl I was - only to be quickly corrected by my mother. I, however, relished and thoroughly enjoyed these remarks but at that age, was not sure why.

In grammar school, I sat primarily with the other girls and enjoyed their companionship and conversation to that of the boys. I especially enjoyed the friendship of one girl who used to either be at my house or me at hers every day playing. These platonic friendships all seemed to end right about age 12 or so and I remember that I felt isolated and not fitting in. I wanted to play with the girls but I was a boy and was therefore excluded. The boy's played the rough housing games at recess and I was not interested in that. I found more solace turning inward through reading and so read many books. From books of fantasy and sci-fi to books on science, geology and astronomy. I was quite well versed in many of the sciences at an early age performing numerous experiments, building my own telescope and studying the natural sciences.

All this time I was admiring the girls but felt excluded from their circles. It was about age 12 that I first tried cross dressing. At first it was just with a few basic foundation pieces but within a year I was sneaking what I could from my mom or sister. During the summer, often everyone was out of the house so I had great opportunity to dress. I felt "right" when dressed but could not explain why. I also felt ashamed that something was wrong. In 1979, a movie about a MTF Transsexual had come out on prime time television and I watched with eyes glued to the tv. I found that I longed to be that person in the movie. For weeks after that movie I would lay in bed at night and dream that I might wake up as a female.

The effects of puberty started kicking in around this time and I was starting to notice my voice changing. By around age 16, I was starting to get facial hair and I hated it. I remember that my father had bought me a razor for my birthday that year. I looked at it with contemplation and disgust. I wanted to just throw it out the window and did, in fact, throw it against a wall in disgust of who I was becoming and the betrayal I felt that God had dealt me.

Through early adolescence I went through the stage which is usual for many in which I would cross dress and would feel shame and guilt. The inability to understand at the time why I needed to express a feminine side left me with feelings of being perverted and worthless. It was by my late teens that I was caught by my mom who happened to arrive home just a little bit early one day. I raced to change and clean up but I left the pair of heels that I had been wearing lying on the floor. My mother would hear nothing of what I told her and asked me to rid myself of whatever female items I had. I felt so rejected, disappointed and alone that day. I drove that evening to a nearby town to purge myself of this perceived perversion. I contemplated that night of taking my own life as well while I drove and very nearly did.

College started that next year and I started dating. I thoroughly enjoyed dating women but also found that I was quite envious of their lives as women. I felt imprisoned in my male self and I felt that I was not fully being true to who I felt inside. I did finally meet the one woman with whom I have spent the past 16 years in marriage with. She has been my soul mate and has understood and enjoyed my expression as Christen since the time I have told her of my feminine side when we were just newly engaged. She had always been something of a tomboy growing up but always enjoyed makeup. This diversity of character fit well into the character of my own persona where I enjoy the natural beauty of the outdoors where I find solace as well as the inner reflection of the beauty I feel the need to express from inside.

I threw all my cards on the table when I was just newly engaged to my wife. The stress of hiding Christen from her was gnawing at me each and every day. If I told her well after we had already been married, I felt she might feel betrayed that I hid this from her for so long. Additionally, I felt she might wonder if there might be "other" secrets I was hiding. I figured that this would be an all or nothing situation and, fortunately, she was not swayed in her opinion of me when I told her. I just didn't know, at the time, that it was anything more than just "crossdressing" - well - at least I was sure I was not admitting it to myself.

I cross-dressed at home but found that I was doing it more and more often. There was no sexual thrill in it, nor was it a fetish for the clothes. I just felt right when I was able to express myself and felt as one with myself. I dressed to emulate and blend in. I didn't know if I could at that point, but I attempted my best efforts to look as presentable and respectable as possible.

I looked back through old pictures of myself in photo albums and asked my wife to look through with me. In all the pictures I have which feature myself - in nearly every one - I appear to be sad or a million miles away when the picture was taken. In a select few - the ones in which I appear to be happy, I noted that my poses were all feminine. That is to say that my hand would be on my hip or in some other similar pose that one would see in a young girl. I certainly never knew I was posing in such a way nor did I note this until I looked through these pictures for the first time about a month ago. This was really something of a surprise and my wife picked up on all of these same observations as well.

In recent times, there had been an ever increasing knot in the pit of my soul to become more of what I truly feel I am inside. I don't know if anyone else knows the feeling where it is as if you have a constant gnawing in the pit of your stomach and a crawling edginess that is not quelled by attempts to sleep at night. Lately I've come more to accept the journey of exploration and this has quelled the daemons inside....

This journey of self exploration is becoming more enjoyable as I let myself accept more and more what I am.

...and being truthful in answering to myself has been the key....

It would only come later that the medical explanation of how I was born the way I am would be revealed to me as the family secrets kept from me would come to light....

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