The Woman Within

...I would like to stop to reflect on the year this has been and to thank those who have taken even the smallest of paths to walk with me in some way in my life.....and to thank them for allowing me to share in at least the tiniest part of theirs.  In the year's journey, as in each year, I have tried to look at the horizon and at what COULD be rather than to look down at my feet as I stumble through a tangled forest of roots and of rock in the darkness at often what IS....  In so doing, I have tried to focus and to write of each of the joys and of each of the small successes in my life.... and to avoid the temptation to render my falterings and failings as if they were tangible weights dragging behind and threatening to render the journey impossible. Far be it from me to say that this year has seen the culmination and fulfillment of plans I have laid forth, as I have tried to chart through the course of my entire life.  The odyssey has been a paradoxic...

"Stopping By a Gas Station on a Snowy Evening" Whose snow-blower this is, I think I know It sits within my basement below. It will not start tomorrow I fear As my driveway starts to fill with snow. Inquisitive minds must think it queer When shoveling without a snow-blower near Between the garage and frozen street The plow will block me in I fear. I give the snow blower a ruffled shake Failing to start, is it some mistake? The reason is unmistakable I do fear There is no gas in it for goodness sake. The road is lonely, stark and white But I have a can to fill with gas tonight And miles to drive before I plow And miles to drive before I plow. From the original poem by Robert Frost, “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening” ...modified (with hopeful forgiveness by the original author) by Christen Bustani The original poem, in respect to the author, follows.... Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening Whose wood...

It was a blustery and breezy Sunday afternoon that Joanne and I found ourselves taking a few hours to escape the world for a quiet walk through the woods along a path around the shores of a mountain lake. The serenity and the sunshine dappling through the leaves brought a peace to my ever-restless soul. In a flash, the nature of that day changed when my cell phone's ring interrupted it abruptly. Looking at the display, I could see it was my youngest nephew “M”....my sister's youngest son. I hesitated for a moment to answer it as I thought of what this call would be about. I knew I never heard from him unless he needed something or unless he was upset by something. I thought, in that instant, of what likely lead up to this call. It had been about 3 weeks prior when my father called me to let me know that he had an unexpected visit from “M” out of the blue. Apparently he stopped by, according to my father, without calling ahead. I would have thought that with plannin...

With J down in Boston taking her mom to her doctor appointment, I wandered out on my own yesterday evening and it became a very intensely emotional night. I chatted for an especially long time with the manager of a major Spa here at one of the resorts on the big lake. At some point in the conversation, she admitted to me that she was dealing with the beginning signs of Alzheimers. It was a major admission for her but we were deeply into a heartfelt conversation to begin with and she opened up to me about it. I lost my mom to Dementia and the post traumatic stress for me is still as vibrant now as it was when I experienced it in all its throes then. I comforted her in a meaningful way although the admonition was one of concern and of search for internal peace through discussion. I started to break down but held it in as best I could, although I could see she saw visibly that I was on the edge. She has a wonderful partner who she has been married to for 46 years and I extol...

Someone commented on a recent post asking whimsically if I was "full time" (as my true self, as a female), likely as a result of all my recent posts in the past year of seeming to just blend in within the greater world as female.  Well, that was an interesting comment because something interesting happened today.  J and I were taking a hike in the woods around Squam Lake (actually better known as the setting for the movie "On Golden Pond").  Anyway, towards the end of our multi-mile hike, we passed an older gentleman who stopped us as we passed and said, "I recognize you!"  He looked straight at Joanne when he said it.  After a brief reintroduction, we both realized that this was the gentleman who ran the coffee shop up at the Waterville Valley Town Village Shops.  We had come to know him well over the years and had chatted extensively, but our last encounter with him was about 3 years prior.  He looked right at Joanne and spoke to her but...

I'm sure there are days in everyone's life when they begin to wonder what difference they are making in the greater world.  It's the type of thoughts that give rise to the wonder of whether or not they make a meaningful difference in the world whether they are in it or not.  I guess we all have our moments where we have made that positive association and link but then there are also those long stretches where it doesn't seem to matter whether you exist or not.  I suppose it's true that folk do get caught up in their own lives and it's easy for them to sort of overlook a person, but then again, how much does one really mean if that is truly the case? I will say that I have had some amazing experiences and the chance to touch at least a few people in a positive way in my life and....even more so..... more recently within the transgender world.  A lot of folks say that my writings have meant something to them.  I do get comments from time to time attesting so....

This isn’t just a story about a bike.   It’s not just a story about what I did today.   It is a story that is all of ours, yet at the same time it is also a story that is uniquely my own....and with special consideration to the inspirations of Robert Frost. Today is the day before the day of my birth.   It’s the day before the day I began an independent journey of what would be called my life.   Today was a warm and sunny day and it was a day for me to explore, to think, to reminisce and a day to think about tomorrow and the days ahead. My spouse, Joanne, was dealing with a painful backache and so my day today, on this Sunday, was free for me to do as desired.   Deciding on a bike ride, I quickly changed into my bike tights and top, donned my helmet, and extracted my bike of choice from it’s perch on our Barn’s wooden walls. On this day the bike of chose was my steadfast and trustworthy 12 speed touring bike.   I thought it appropriate o...

 "Japan is seeing an explosion in sales of male beauty products and the spread of male cross-dressing." We are witnessing a shift and change in the ideology of the world as we continue to break down societally pre-conceived concepts of gender expression. Society has seen, in the past 100 years, the rise of women to be able to express as men, right down to their choice of clothing if they so desire.  That's a move "up" in a patriarchal society that had always put men higher on the totem than women.  Women's suffrages and rights have come to change that. Still, society has had a difficult time with the reverse... seeing any expression of the feminine as a step downward.  Descriptives such as "girly", "effeminate", "emasculated" are often used.  Even sexual identity is often mis-labeled and such a male may be considered to suddenly be "gay" for so cross-dressing. If women can express their masculine side and work ...

What a really affirming night last night!   J was down in MA but insisted I get out yesterday evening on my own.   Although it seems unlikely, I've not headed out to a bar/restaurant on my own to date.   I know all the folks there anyway and it was amazing how very "at home" they all made me feel.   After chatting for a while, one of the guys I know there even asked if I would be comfortable on my own if he headed on home,   which I thought was very considerate.   Other women took notice after he left and with concern that J was not there and went out of their way to stop by or sit with me to chat.   I ended up cackling so much that I lost track of time to order food when the kitchen shut down.   The owner happened to be coming by and overheard my disappointment and so went down to the kitchen to whip something up for me.   Bringing dinner to me, he then proceeded to sit down for a good talk.   Ultimately it turned out to be a Girls ...

This has been an exciting past month as more people within the state, as well as nationally, are coming to learn and hear more about what it means to be transgender.   The recent case of a young Colorado girl who has been banned from using the restroom congruent to her internal gender in school is the latest case in point.   With Colorado already having laws in place protecting gender identity and accommodation based upon gender identity, this case will be setting the stage for precedent in many other states based upon final rulings made. Within the state of New Hampshire, we are seeing a lot of traction and a lot of inquisitive people who want to come to learn what it means to be gender variant.   I recently appeared on stage as part of a panel of transgender individuals at Plymouth State University.   The auditorium was packed and it was so great to be able tell our stories and to field questions from the next generation of more open minded youth who wil...