The Woman Within

"Winter's Wonderland" The beauty of a winter's snow is fine When days of sun and play ensue Yet this season's deluge doth not imbue A bucolic serenity within my mind. Of forty days and forty nights Of ice and snow that never ends For those who visit, it serves a fright Of snow so deep and roofs which bend. With a stoical sigh and a stolid look With rake and hammer I climb up high Ascending the roof for reasons why Clearing a way for reindeer that fly. Yet none shall need cleared a landing pad For Santa's schedule is so very well planned His visit came before all the snow we've had Now on a tropical beach is he in sun and sand. And while I make ice cubes of glaciers on high Watching them plummet with pleasure and glee I listen for the birds and hear not a cry In their migration next fall will likely be me. - Christen Bustani This was written after having spent the better part of yesterday morning trying to clear snow and ice ...

With so many things going on in my life both personal and familial, it has been a trying time for quite a long period of late.  Redefining the very existence of one's relationship with one's spouse because of being transgender has proven to be more emotionally difficult for us both.  It's funny, because in some ways our relationship is stronger than it ever was but in others, it is as if whole segments are now gone.  While there is mourning at the virtual death of the husband that was, there is a new relationship as sisters and friends.  It is a conflagration of conflicting emotions which we both harbor within our hearts and it is proving to be a difficult realm for us both. Familial ties and stresses for us both in our respective families has begun to test our mettle and endurance to be there for others while we both find ourselves silently struggling within with our own issues.  It is for this reason, that the first part of the title of this blog entry exist...

In my spare time, I've been teaching myself how to play the Piano.  Having no formal lessons except for my patience and my purchase of this beautiful keyboard from Goodwill for six dollars, I've been able to accomplish something that brings me great pleasure when the house is empty, the mind is addled and the evening's are late....sometimes very late. You likely know all of these tunes.... although you may not recognize the names.... Hit the "pause" button in the "Melodic Musings" box on the right to halt any background music which may autostart. Enjoy......  Humoresque by Antonín Dvořák https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=989792331031918&l=5245743103051810713 The Entertainer https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=966004216744063&l=8639414119027083562 Fur Elise: https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=944279178916567&l=4994856884859761698 Hungarian Dance Number 5: https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=944311685579983&l...

As the days grow shorter and darker and yet another holiday season unfolds upon me, I find it difficult at times to keep my own mind's thoughts, recollections and memories from many a dark place. A lifetime's worth of memories, both good and bad, happy and sad, seem to rush to the foreground in my mind's eye and take center stage at this time of year.  I know, as well, that this is true for many of us. I'd like to focus, instead, in the light of the positive on the many things I have to be thankful for.  I am thankful for those who actively share in my life.  You.... are the friends who reach out to me to console and to listen when I need it.  You.... are the people in my life who recognize when things aren't going right when I've uttered no words.  You.... are the ones who know how to cheer me up and get me out of a funk when I need it most yet speak it least. You....are the ones who recognize my life of seemingly endless hobbies and endeavors as diversio...

The closest analog I can find to my life is like that of a person who finds themselves orbiting precariously around a black hole.....just beyond the event horizon. The event horizon is that imaginary line where, once crossed, there is no escape. The odd thing about the event horizon is that from the perspective of one who crosses it, they never realize they did even though everyone outside will see they have crossed an invisible point of no return. I've realized that I have crossed that event horizon only by those around me who have witnessed my passage through it. Now, as I am drawn inexorably toward the point of singularity at the center of the black hole, so do I find myself drawn by tidal forces beyond my control towards a singularity of self. There is no escape from destiny.   Too much of Pandora's box has been opened and I have come to see the woman inside that box as simply a reflection of what was my hidden self. Too much has transpired now that has c...

Life is funny sometimes.  You know the saying I'm sure.... "Life happens while we make other plans"?  Well, it seems like even the best laid sorts of plans have a way of developing a life and direction of their own. Have you ever tried to put a plan together only to find that somewhere along the way your plan grew legs and  decided it might be more fun to take YOU on ride?  The great poet Robert Frost will probably come back to life just to torture me for rearranging his famous words, once penned, when I say.... "I took the road less travelled by..... NOW WHERE THE HELL AM I?" Well, I do know where I am.  I just wasn't so sure I was going to get here so fast. I'm referring to life now and the fact that whether or not this is to my schedule I am now full time as a woman.  I never declared it or held up a banner.  As Dr. Seuss'es Grinch would say, "It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. ...

I know I post a lot on here regarding being transgender and transitioning and all of that, but I haven't told you much of anything about "me", the person.  I know this won't interest everyone, and I will attest firmly that I am NOT writing this to impress anyone or to show some sort of prowess.  Far from it.  I simply want to add some dimension to this "two dimensional characterization" that it is easy to be swallowed up within in a blog whose motivation has been in discussion of all things transgender for me. My life is much more.  Being transgender....no.... being a woman who had to play the act of a guy for 45 years is simply one small facet of my life.  My life is much more.  It is a culmination thus far of an array of adventures and accomplishments that mesh together in some unique and personal way to paint an entire collage, an entire painting of who I am.  We each have our own unique collages of our lives and I love to learn about the amazing...