In Restless Minds Awake

The closest analog I can find to my life is like that of a person who finds themselves orbiting precariously around a black hole.....just beyond the event horizon. The event horizon is that imaginary line where, once crossed, there is no escape. The odd thing about the event horizon is that from the perspective of one who crosses it, they never realize they did even though everyone outside will see they have crossed an invisible point of no return. I've realized that I have crossed that event horizon only by those around me who have witnessed my passage through it. Now, as I am drawn inexorably toward the point of singularity at the center of the black hole, so do I find myself drawn by tidal forces beyond my control towards a singularity of self. There is no escape from destiny.
 
Too much of Pandora's box has been opened and I have come to see the woman inside that box as simply a reflection of what was my hidden self.

Too much has transpired now that has changed not only my play in the game, but also that of everyone around me who have made their own moves on that large chessboard of life.  Each piece has found its match in the others move and, as pieces come off the board from both sides, so too does it become clear how much has changed; and how exposed I am now.

Unable to hide behind the pawns of my own life, I find the excuses, the useless and futile moves to be in short number now.  The queen is exposed and she is finding herself more and more alone on the board with nothing to obfuscate her from view.

It is no wonder that I have difficulty sleeping a lot of the time.  There are now so many decisions and choices to be made, because to not make them at this point will only find me languishing midway between worlds and without an authentic life of any kind. 

"In restless minds awake
Thoughts I cannot shake
From a soporific state
Of answers there are few
Fears that won't abate
When life is thrust anew"

-Christen

But perhaps a poem by Allen Steble (probably not known by many) says it best: Choices

           by, Allen Steble

We all have a choice
to live a lie
or be ourselves
to laugh and cry
or to follow someone else
to look up and smile
or bow down and frown
to walk the whole mile
or take off our crown
We have a choice
to shout out loud
or chant a whisper
to fly through the clouds
or to be blown like paper
to conquer our fear
or hide in the shadow
to the wise words hear
or be thrown out the window
We all have a choice
to climb our highest mountain
or fall into our deepest hole
to drink from life's fountain
or live life like a troubled soul