The Woman Within

What is it in society that determines what is designated proper for boys and what is proper girls? Gender is simply a preconceived construct fabricated by society. It is a concept created by humans to categorize and segregate. Only humans understand the concept of gender. For animals and any other creatures, there is variance in sex, but no concept or construct of gender. It is so fascinating to see what comes from the mouths of innocent children.... children who have not been indoctrinated to box themselves to a societal construct which serves simply to segregate, separate, polarize and isolate. A recent video featured on ABC's Evening News was a refreshing reminder of what the unbiased young mind of a child knows.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=-CU040Hqbas How interesting it is, that societies pre-conception of what is inately masculine or feminine can change over the years.  I find it fascinating to know that high heel...

There are a number with who I have chatted, who retort that there is but a binary in sex. There is man and there is woman, alone. In their view, gender and sex are considered as two words which equate as the same, are not separable and cannot be dichotomous. In my conversations and chats on many of the religious news sites scattered liberally across the internet, I have come to find this position to be rather consistent. It has always been my premise when in such forums, not to attempt to forcibly change opinion or dissuade others in their beliefs. Rather, my forays into such realms are only in an attempt to bring about awareness that often what we consider to be as rote and stolid and undeniable fact may not always be as it seems. Many thought the Earth to be flat as Columbus sailed off, only for him to  rediscover that it was not. Galileo maintained and promoted the heliocentric view of the solar system and a fundamental which all school children learn today... that th...

There is significant controversy in recent news directed at transgender individuals regarding the recent dressing room incident at Macys. The subject became active immediately after it was learned that a female employee of Macy's Department Store was immediately terminated from her job by management for NOT allowing a transgender woman to utilize the dressing room associated with the gender she was presenting as. It is a store policy, by Macy's, to allow those who present in their chosen gender, to utilize the dressing room of their chosen gender. This policy has enraged numerous individuals and groups, many of who have been voicing their deep disdain for transgender individuals using facilities concurrent with the gender they are congruent with and presenting as. The primary arguments involve fears that men who dress as women, are likely to engage in sexual predation or other voyeuristic and perverted acts. The solution, by these individuals and groups, is to crea...

It was just another evening out to dinner to relax and chat with my spouse and with the wonderful staff and patrons at our local watering hole.  Both J and I love the ambiance and coziness of the atmosphere and the plethora of widely varied personalities we have been privileged to get to know.  It's refreshing to know that we are not all clones of each other and that we each bring perspective that can enrich each other's lives if we simply choose to allow ourselves to be open minded. Celebrating our differences helps us all to realize just how unique we each are in the world.  Being unique often coincides with having unique perspectives and views.... and with that gift, comes new ways to look at the world around us and to consider. Take for instance this friend I met.  She was a gift to our waitress by one of the patrons who frequents the restaurant.  Our waitress is positively unique in many ways, with one of her attributes being that she enjoy...

For all of the positive and uplifting stories which I do try to focus on, there are also those deplorable ones of unmitigated violence and mistreatment against those who are transgender by the police and law enforcement agencies.  A recent article highlighting some of the more recent events unfolds here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michelangelo-signorile/escalating-police-violenc_b_1131343.html Raw footage of the Brooke Fantelli incident where she was tazed twice, once on her body and once in her crotch by Bureau of Land Management Officials while simply standing with her hands up, was posted on Youtube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_4PkC8XH7k Coverage of the Macy's incident where a store employee who managed the women's dressing room was fired on the spot by management for not following store policy to allow those who present as female to use the dressing room consistent with their gender presentation has brought some very strong, harsh and is some cases, vit...

Last night I visited with my therapist for the first time in several months. We talked and asked if she could be direct with me. I said I preferred it that way. I'm a no bullcrap kind of gal and I play life straight and to the punchline. Honesty to self, honesty to others is the best approach I find. Her questions really hit home but they were not unexpected nor were the answers. If anything, it was me sounding them out that really began to hit home. It is one thing to say these things to yourself but it is another to answer to someone else. The therapists I have had really never ever told me who I was and my current one hasn't, but she did throw back some thoughts and perspectives which really bore meaning and thought. I told her I wasn't transitioning but working in a middle ground. I wasn't on hormones and I wasn't planning to change gender marker or legal status and to play a guy role as well. From where she sat, she wasn't buying it. In those...

As we approach another Thanksgiving Holiday, a tumultuous flurry of thoughts whirls about through my mind.  Some of these thoughts are my own and some are thoughts for those friends who add another deep level of perspective as well on this day. For many of us, Thanksgiving will not be what it was when we were a child.  We will not be the lighthearted and bubbly children who used our imaginations and our lack of foresight into the adult world to create a day of our choosing and to celebrate, unfettered, in play.  For many of us, having endured a lifetime of personal, family and, for many, financial struggles, this can be a sobering time of reflection and of what and who we have in our lives, what things, aspects and loved ones have passed and are no longer with us. I have been told by many that I come across as a very positive person, with an abundance of bubbly laughter and a persona that is entertaining and enlightening to be around.  But, as I said recently in ...

The Girl I Never Knew -Christen B It was years long ago Perhaps when about age five Someone who I knew I truly was First knew that she was alive Others thought she was a girl It was her curly hair they would say The comments she remembered well Visions of an earlier day Through the early years of school She had friends with whom she would play It was always with all of the girls With whom she confided in each day Her best friend was the little girl Who visited from across the street Imaginative games were our world Our worlds combined were complete And as time and life wore on Our worlds began to be torn away Aspects of the world I had been living in Were taken from me each day The girls in school left me alone The girl next door, she stopped seeing me too They were becoming more as women I was alone and felt nothing I could do The toys of my sister’s They were one by one taken away Each was replaced with another That I was told I would enjoy a...

A good friend, Sherri,  published a piece on Transphobia recently and it brought to light, a darker aspect within the greater bounds of society that I have found disturbing myself.  We are judged NOT by who we are but often by how we are interpreted by others.  We are told and have heard, many times, the saying to "Not judge a book by it's cover", yet this is exactly how we, as transgender individuals, are interpreted in many instances. I know of a number of transgender individuals who have completed their gender reassignment surgery but have had notable encounters attesting to their being questioned of their gender in public accommodations.  Societal expectations of feminine appearance often dictate whether or not one's gender presentation is questioned, irregardless of legal or plumbing status being congruent with that of their assigned gender. I've had the opportunity to view this discordance from the opposing end, where no one seems to ascertain me as an...

Be it far from me to ever wish to stratify, segregate, elevate or separate myself within the transgender realm, yet interestingly, I have begun to notice and piece together just this sort of rift which has begun to developed.  In the transgender continuum, there is a huge difference between "doing" and "being".  There are many I know who find that simply emulating a woman in form and fashion is but enough to suffice their being.  They are those who "do".  Dressing and emulating the feminine form are the key and primary factors.  Photos and pictures arise in high numbers which validate presence and to entice with a show of form. Then there are those of us who are out as transgender women, as women.... who dress because that is who they are and feel they are... deep inside.   The dressing is simply a state which provides for the congruency which exists deep within and allows for integration and association within the female group which one feels most comfo...

How can so many smiling pictures I post not even come close to portraying what hurt and sadness and betrayal I feel inside?  It truly amazes me how well I have learned over the years and decades to bury these feelings so well.  Yet still, I am unable to forever hide this pain and these thoughts from my self.  This post is one which will be different from the many you may have read.  I truly do not like to vent my sadness or my hurt and would rather choose to post only the bright and positive and of the good of things to come.  But the weight that has been hiding and lurking within is becoming more and more omnipresent in my conscious thoughts by day and my agitated lucid dreams by night. My mom passed away a horrible death from dementia in January... something I blogged about in this link here . It was the end to many of the dark secrets and  more dark secrets I had written about and hoped were put firmly behind me.  Yet the box of Pandora is rarel...

I know many who say or who have said that "Halloween is the 'free night out' for crossdressers and transgender individuals alike. I suppose that, in one sense, it is... but in many ways it is not as well. For those who have spent countless anxiety ridden years hiding their feminine sides from the world in fear, it is a night that can bring a sense of acceptance or, at the very least, a perceived tolerance when they step out the door into the world for that one night. I beg to differ however in the entire premise of that perception.  The realizations are subtle but poignantly made in my last stop of my story of that evening... Joanne and I went out for a night on the town on Halloween Night. Neither of us were dressed for Halloween as we were not heading for a party, but rather, were heading out for an evening of shopping and dining. At the local Kohl's, no one perceived or was cognizant of any variance from the gender I was presenting as... save for one young, 1...

So I popped into Lowes last night for more wainscotting and liquid nails (sigh... not the gel ones that look pretty). I walked into the store thinking I looked pretty much like a guy... and even J agreed. Apparently I don't.... Approaching the register, a youngish girl cashier announces that her register was closed... but then takes a look at me after saying this and lights up with a smile from ear to ear and decides hurriedly that she would reopen the register. It wasn't a snirky smile or one of silent laughter from her. It was that look of "I know your secret and it's way cool". So I dropped my "hey,how you doin?" sort of pretense and and wafted into girl talk with her for the next several minutes. She wasn't interested in that sort of "I'd like to go out on a date" way... She was interested in me as a unique feminine person that drew her in a positive way toward me. So recapping this with J in the car, it amazes me how much more ap...

I had to make a run down to the dealership in Tilton yesterday for a gallon of Antifreeze (and a loaf of bread?). Seemingly an uneventful 36 mile jaunt round-trip down and back up interstate 93, but with a few twists which I feel compelled to mention in brief. Swooping into the parking lot just beyond the terminus of the exit ramp, I parked and alighted from my vehicle. Entering the dealership, it was as it always is as if entering into the lion's cage as a piece of fresh meat. All eyes turn towards the one entering, as if they are the salvation that a prospective buyer brings. Men in neat suits with large builds and the women behind the counters servicing the customer relationship. The stereotyping is always phenomenal in these ways and a bit disconcerting, at least to me. I entered through the double doors and, while scanning all of this, proceeded directly to the woman behind the counter at the customer service desk. As I paraded down the long hallway, I could sense, p...