The Woman Within

I don't usually wake up startled in the middle of the night, sit up in my bed in the stillness of a dark room and wonder why my heart is racing and my skin has broken out in a sweat.  I can't say that I could recall exactly it was that I had been dreaming of either.  I can say that it wasn't anything positive or uplifting.  Far from it.  This doesn't usually happen to me so what exactly happened? Yesterday started out like any other day in recent times.  I woke up, logged in to work and set out about my day.  At some point, I found myself with some free time and so began to pick up where I left off with items associated with my name and gender marker change.....  Another credit card company to call, another financial institution to correct some error on the new and present name I am proud owner of, another lawyer to contact about legalities that need to be synced up. Usual stuff.  Well, it seemed usual.  In all truthfulness, everything h...

“I love being a woman”.   How long will I continue to convince myself of this premise?   No, I love being myself.   Myself just happens to be a woman.   Let’s get it straight for the record shall we?   There, I said it.   Without argument, I do love it when I wake up in the morning with an entire essay in my head.   Swirling clouds of thoughts materialize themselves as concrete and lucid entities that are clear as day.   I love it even more when I read an article a day later and realize I am not alone in my thoughts.   That love quickly fades to a sense of realization and this is where the writing begins…… In comparison to women who have lived their lives as women from day one, I haven’t been around on the planet for all that long to share in the “amazing” experience.   No.   I’ve been able to live my life from the perspective of a woman starting at the tender age of 45 years old.   Heck, by actuary statistics, I was we...

I am a woman I am a work in progress I accept who I am I do not require acceptance or validation from anyone. I care about you as much as you will do the same in return. No one person completes me.  I complete myself.  You may, however, complement my life.  I will, in kind, complement the life that is yours I am loyal and devoted to the same extent that you are to me. I will always add to your life in like kind if you add to mine. If you attempt to coerce, force or take from me, you are a manipulator.  I will not budge.  I will battle you on the ground upon which you stand for the right to be who I am. I will always listen to you.  I will always hear your words and your opinions. I will decide for myself.  You may be a part of that decision but you cannot decide for me.  Do not try. I do not take *hit from anyone.  *hit is best used as fertilizer.  Put it on a farm. I do not take pleasure in power or control....

Of friends I have many Of soulmates; rarely true They are friends along a journey To places I never knew I never wanted to take this trip But of choices I had so few The one I chose not to take Leaves me writing this to you. Careful not to turn your head! Looking back you will often cry For what once was can never yet be The past is where one dies. So in perpetual motion I maintain One step ahead of the past One step ahead of the memories of what was Whisps of peace that rarely last. I tire of the distractions The things I do each day But necessary they truly are Demons of darkness held at bay Standing in the shower Tears mixing with the rain Feeling lost within the droplets As sadness goes down the drain. In silence, in the darkness When I lay in bed alone In sleepless dreams they come again And live within my home. With morning sun I shake them off They vaporize as morning dew Another day where they are held at bay They will return at night anew So I c...

There's still a lot wrong with our greater society when transgender women are viewed as having been "men". Watch this video and then read on. https://www.facebook.com/44blueproductions/videos/1131639380221311/?pnref=story As friend of mine pointed out, the woman in the stripes was in disbelief of these beautiful women (as she stated), that they "were" at one time "guys". The problem here is that the general public still views trans women as having "changed" their identity.....that they were once guys and now they are wo men. Sorry, it doesn't work like that. Transgender women were always women but the ideology is lost because it's not "graspable" tangibly by the greater masses of our cis-gender population. Those who are not able to experience first hand what it is to be transgender can not understand the gravity of the error being made when they say that a transgender woman "was a guy". For most if...

In a few short hours, I will have completed a journey of life that has taken me 51 times around our nearest star. Although we as humans mark this journey at the visceral level by the delimiter of time, it is much more a celebration of life itself and all it entails. For me it has been:    51 years of sunrises and joys and 51 years of sunsets and sadness; of those who have walked into my life and of those who are no longer with me on this world, relegated now to the cavernous vaults of my memories. 51 years of learning and discovering; with each year bringing more understanding and at the same time, an even greater realization of what is yet to be understood.   51 years of friendships made. 51 Years of people who have walked with me in my life. Some have walked but a mile and many have marched miles more; yet each person who has walked with me has imparted me with gifts that shall ever be a part of my being.   But what of ...

The following is a presentation I gave at our local Baptist Church on Tuesday, May 10, 2016.  This was read to our church community group which meets regularly together.  It was emotionally moving to some and informative to all.  Where ignorance is removed and replaced with knowledge, hatred can not so easily take root.  Special Thanks to Kelly Lepley, an extraordinary woman who graciously provided some inspirational passages which became part of this presentation.  -Enjoy ******************* I’ve had the opportunity to stand before the entire house of representatives at our State House.   I’ve stood up before 350 students and faculty to speak and to share.   I’ve had WMUR and WBIN television stand before me with cameras rolling as I shared with them.   But in all honesty, these were trivial in comparison to what I feel in sharing this with you all tonight.   Perhaps it is my fear of the one thing happening, that thing we are ask...

The path to glory is paved in humility. The path to enlightenment is strewn with obstacles we must overcome. The path to truth is in accepting first that we have lied. The path ahead to me is clear. That path that had been ever shrouded in swirling mists and endless fog..... That fog has cleared and the light shines from beyond, striking my eyes with such lucid clarity of presence, with such brilliance, that it is without doubt where the path I take beckons if I stay the course of truth. The story of my life is one which, like everyone's, started the moment I was born.  For some, like myself, the journey was one that I forced to fit the mold that everyone else set forth for me to fill.  Truth be told, I did this for so many years....so many decades.  To live one's life as others would see and wish you to is to suffocate in a sea of expectations and an ocean of despair and depression. My sojourn in life has taken me on a path unlike one I would ever have ex...

Some of my estrogen patches have been remarkably devoid of their adhesive, sticking to my skin more like children's colorforms than as anything useful. I noted the lot numbers on the open packages and contacted Novartis, the manufacturer for my estrogen. I had to give my legal "Clark Kent" name and proceeded to describe the problem. After my explanation, she summarily told me that she would investigate this but that she would also have to escalate it to her manager because such a high dosage given to what they have on record of me being "male" would red flag it.  She went on to read off a standard set of disclaimers and warnings required by the FDA to be read to prospective users of Estrogen.  She started off with the indications for which estrogen might be prescribed.  All of those reasons were for biological women. The precautionary warnings included all manners of womanly issue for which this might be prescribed and for all sorts of potential side effect...

For those of you who may not have seen it yet, the recently released movie, "The Danish Girl" has stirred quite a few emotions and many comparatives to not only my own life as a transgender woman, but to many others like myself as well.  Although this movie was based upon a true story and took place in the 1920's, the commonalities of experiences between the main character and my own personal experiences resounds so closely and so similarly that it was emotionally unnerving to watch and to see what was almost like my own life flashing before me on the silver screen. If you need to catch up and haven't heard of this movie then watch this trailer before reading further.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d88APYIGkjk A friend remarked in a post that watching "The Danish Girl" was like looking in a mirror. It truly was, at least for me, a nearly spot on reflection of my own life. The timelines and the details may have been slightly different but the o...