The path to glory is paved in humility.
The path to enlightenment is
strewn with obstacles we must overcome.
The path to truth is in
accepting first that we have lied.
The path ahead to me is clear.
That path that had been ever shrouded in swirling mists and endless fog.....
That fog has cleared
and the light shines from beyond, striking my eyes with such lucid
clarity of presence, with such brilliance, that it is without doubt where the path I take beckons if I stay the course of truth.
The story of my life is one which, like everyone's, started the moment I was born. For some, like myself, the journey was one that I forced to fit the mold that everyone else set forth for me to fill. Truth be told, I did this for so many years....so many decades.
To live one's life as others would see and wish you to is to suffocate in a sea of expectations and an ocean of despair and depression.
My sojourn in life has taken me on a path unlike one I would ever have expected. The paths I have found myself on were thrust upon me by realizations and acceptances of things which forever, in my life existed, but which I ignored and locked away within the recesses of my mind. I did this in exchange to adopt a life which was not mine. I did this to live a life for the benefit of everyone else. I lied.
I find myself at the crossroads to yet another divergence in the paths and choices I will make. These choices are less choices than they are simply the actualization in deed of what has been manifesting and occurring in my life, and the conscious choice to not shun or shy away from that which has been shown to me, and that which I have felt as being truly and deeply core to my inner sense of being and of self.
The path ahead to me is clear. If it had ever been shrouded in swirling mists and fog, they have cleared and the light shines from beyond, striking my eyes with such lucid clarity of presence that it is without doubt where I must go.
My love for those who have shared my life continues. The person who I have shared 23 years of my life is now my sister. I have come to let myself go and to realize that my true inner sense of self is as I am today as a woman. Those who would meet me as I am today would testify, after coming to know me, in no other way. Those who might not are but relics from a time when I allowed for others to rule my identity and my life. My life is my own. It is not anyone elses. It is not a bargaining chip and I will not be held victim or hostage to the tyrannies which I realize others might inflict upon me for my baring the truth of my inner soul and self.
I have come to allow myself the freedom in life to understand that my identity, my attractions and my love is as a woman. I am, as a woman, attracted to the character and the nature of things different from the core of my personality, of what defines me. I am attracted to the masculine and not the feminine. I am attracted to what compliments me, finding greater wholeness in my so doing. I have passions and desires where I had thought, for decades, that I had none. Thoughts of being asexual, of not being interested in sex, was a fabrication of a reason for my lack of desire because I was not truly attracted to the female realm. I denied myself because I am at odds with the plumbing, off the median norm as it may be, as a male.
It is time for me to change my name and my gender marker legally.
It is time for me to align my body with my mind in all ways.
It is time for me to live and to love completely and truthfully.
it is time for me to feel my life, to feel my love, as a woman.
....In all ways
I've had to hold on to my legal name and gender marker to not break the engine that has powered my life to this point. Having lived full time inwardly as a woman my entire life and outwardly to the world as a woman now for over two years is more than enough time to know that this is right.
There is no glamor in what I do or in who I am.
There is no bravery in the steps I take to actualize the person who has lived inside for so long.
There is only a sense of belonging to self, belonging to this world.
There is only a sense of contentment to sigh a breath of relief in lying no longer.
It is time now for me to live what remaining years I may have on this Earth truthfully to myself. The prices we pay in life are highest when we do not take ownership of our own life and our own destiny.