It's been a considerably busy last few weeks. Joanne has been dealing with a flu, then a cold, then me with a cold and then her with a root canal. I haven't been out enfemme for about three weeks. What I have noticed is that I have not felt the need to get fully dressed at home yet the anxiety grows worse. Dressing doesn't resolve it like it once did and the realization is truly taking hold that it's so much more than the clothes. Joanne sees small changes that I never really picked up on - like the way I walk which is pronouncedly more feminine she says. The way I talk and hold myself seems to have varied as well. Even my voice has been ranging into my practiced femme range and hanging there when we are out.

I honestly am not consciously working to achieve any of these things - they seem to just be occurring. I feel like a woman even if I am not dressed and I am feeling like this is some kind of huge mental border I have just crossed. I've also lost track of some realm of self identity. My self as presenting to the world enfemme feels like my true self now and my own sense of self as male seems to feel as a facade. Something keeps pulling me inexorably in a directed motion towards a feminine realm internally regardless of how I present.

It's a bit unnerving but everything also feels more correct and in greater alignment than at any other time in my life...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Penultimate Post

It has been a while since I have blogged on here.... a long while.  The gaps between my blog posts have slowly widened as I have begun to find myself, more and more, just simply living my life as a woman.  The dysphoria is all but gone.  This blog was a tool, as much for those who have read it, as it was for myself.  I was able to make sense of my life and this journey, as much as anyone might hope, through the self reflection engendered in the process of writing out my thoughts.  Often, I would re-read my own posts from months or years prior and see how different my perspectives have become and my thoughts have changed as I grew slowly into the person I have always been. I call this the penultimate post because it is the next to the last post I will write for this blog.  This blog is not going away, nor am I.  My transition is not ending, just as each and every one of us never end our own life's transitions, whether you be transgender or not.  What is going away is the need for
Read more

Connecting The Dots

Again, it has been a while since I have posted on here.  A lot has been happening around and within me.  Living now full time as a woman publicly has brought a sense of peace and contentment to me internally in ways I have never felt before internally. No matter what hardships I may incur as a result of this life change, it is a decision I could never regret.  To have such a personal sense of peace like no other is at once reaffirming and calming.  There is no way that anyone who is not transgender could understand the feeling of dysphoria in not being able to live authentically to their own sense of self.  Likewise, there was no way I could have known how comfortable it was for those born into a gender that fits from birth.....until now.  Now I understand what I was feeling before; the anxiety, the withdrawal from society, the angst and pensiveness.  The lack of comfortability in others who felt ill at ease with me as a person playing the male role has been replaced with the world r
Read more

Dream Myself Awake

I don't usually wake up startled in the middle of the night, sit up in my bed in the stillness of a dark room and wonder why my heart is racing and my skin has broken out in a sweat.  I can't say that I could recall exactly it was that I had been dreaming of either.  I can say that it wasn't anything positive or uplifting.  Far from it.  This doesn't usually happen to me so what exactly happened? Yesterday started out like any other day in recent times.  I woke up, logged in to work and set out about my day.  At some point, I found myself with some free time and so began to pick up where I left off with items associated with my name and gender marker change.....  Another credit card company to call, another financial institution to correct some error on the new and present name I am proud owner of, another lawyer to contact about legalities that need to be synced up. Usual stuff.  Well, it seemed usual.  In all truthfulness, everything has been wearing on me, and w
Read more