The Woman Within

Part I - The Deceit and the Lies – Revealed.... This is the story of my learning of the possible and likely reasons for my transgenderism.  It explained a lot although I wished I new earlier in my life.  It would have helped me immensely to have quantified the feelings which have been with me my entire life.  The story starts as my family begins to fall apart...... My sister flew into Boston from her home in Las Vegas in order to spend a week with my ailing mother and to help coordinate care for her. Driving down from our home in New Hampshire, My spouse and I joined her at the hospital a few days after she had arrived. We had not seen each other in over three years and what we were to find out about each other, our own parents and most surprisingly, about my own self, were to leave me shell shocked. I arrived at the hospital on a damp and dreary Monday evening in November. I had packed the SUV and driven the 100 miles straight down to the hospital in Cambrid...

I never thought it would come to this but perhaps I always did. It was the call from my dad today. He had just come from visiting with my mom in the convalescent home where she had been moved to just a day earlier. Her fractured pelvis had stopped bleeding and she was at least physically stable. Her mental state though has been tortured to say the least, haunted by the daemons of dementia slowly robbing her mind, her identity and her will to live. The phone rang just after 5:30 this afternoon. It was my dad and he sounded to be distraught and agitated by the tone of voice in which he hurriedly spoke. "What is it dad?", I asked. "How's mom doing in her rehab?" "I'm not going back to see her tomorrow", he abruptly chattered back. "Why?", I asked him incredulously. "The social workers won't let her go home with me when she gets out - not without someone to watch over her in my house.", he tartly replied. I had a feeling t...

It was an ominous phone call received late in the evening last weekend that dampened what had been one of my best days out shopping for wedding dresses. I remember the exact moment.... I was balanced on a ladder which was precariously perched on the stairs to the basement and hanging a pendant chandelier light when the phone rang. My wife answered the phone and acknowledged to me that it was my dad. Mom had taken another fall in the house again and was sedentary on the couch. My dad didn't know whether or not to take her in to the hospital as she wasn't experiencing any pain. She couldn't walk, my dad explained to me. Stunned by that statement my spouse and I exclaimed that he needed to call an ambulance to the house immediately to have her seen. It was my mom's lack of complaint and of pain as she had lay on the couch and tended to by my dad that had both her and my dad feeling that this was just a simple bruise from a fall. Her arrival at the hospital however a...

Saturday, October 15 was a great experience for both my spouse, Joanne, and myself as we took a venture out for a day of dining and shopping. There is still some level of concern on my spouse's part with her primary fear being for my best interest. "What if someone says something or causes you trouble or harm?" she often worries. It's more about her worries of what could happen but what never seems to that worries her most. It's having been out a number of times on my own or with other friends which has helped me to gain the confidence of understanding that we are simply accepted by others as who we portray. So long as we are confident in who we are inside, and so long as we exude that confidence outwardly when we present ourselves in the greater world, there are few problems that will likely ever be encountered. Joanne and I had a wonderful lunch at a local Chinese Restaurant Saturday afternoon. Interestingly, after lunch, she snapped open her fortune cookie an...

My spouse and I spent a wonderful weekend with our friends, a couple, who live on the other side of the state in New Hampshire. It was a day filled with great conversations and lively atmosphere as we trekked from store to store in the resort town shopping mecca of North Conway, New Hampshire. It was a day too, for Joanne and I to learn from each other and the world, as we interacted with the greater world in a busy realm. Joanne and I arrived at Joanie's house in the early afternoon on Saturday and were met at the front door by her spouse, Deb. After exchanging greetings and hugs, we headed in with our overnight bags to our guest room. Joanne made herself comfortable as I proceeded to get my makeup on, get dressed and to style my hair for a day of shopping adventure. It took me about an hour and a half to get myself put together but the end result proved worth it. I went for an upscale look with my ruffled top, brown pants with buckled belt and low brown mary jane shoes. Jo...

9.29.10 - An interesting day out.... It was after work that I drove down to my therapist's office to chat about what's been going on since our last visit nearly six weeks ago. There was a lot to chat about - with SCC happening - with me coming out to my parents and Joanne to her mom about me - about my adventures out and about - and, most importantly, how I felt inside. That last one always takes me by surprise I find. It's the simplest of questions but it causes the greatest amount of thought and reflection. I thought carefully about the question as it was posed towards the latter part of our meeting. I've been in a paradox of thoughts really. I am comfortable with myself and quite happy to simply exist as the woman I am inside and frustrated that I continue the 'swiss cheese' persona of the male character I had built up over so many years. Frustration... no - really more anxiety - and showing up in my dreams in restless nights and in my thoughts by day. ...

Last night I had "The Talk" with both my parents and my mother-in-law. I told them I was transgender. Up until now, I had kept my secret deeply hidden inside for 40 years, for fear of the repercussions which might be incurred and as a sign of respect for my spouse. The mental burden, internal stress and anguish of these had ultimately culminated in a series of nervous breakdowns. It was my spouse, Joanne, who took it upon herself to initiate the discussion about my being transgender to her mom. I had not wanted her to have to deal with the possible retorts and alienation which might ensue and so had always told her that I would not bring my situation up to her. It was quite a shocking surprise when she called me up yesterday to tell me that she had told her mom about me. I was both amazed and shocked. She told me that she could see the stress I had been under in recent times with this. I had been very sullen and pensive these last few days mainly as I had been watching my mot...

We just arrived home yesterday fro the Southern Comfort Conference, the largest transgender conference in the United States. It was fantastic to be surrounded by so many loving and wonderful people and to be able to share a bit of our lives and experiences with one another. Perhaps the most amazing thing about this conference were the experiences which my spouse, Joanne had while there. The fact alone that my spouse joined me for this conference is almost too staggering for words. There were only a very few - and I mean less than a handful - of spouses attending with their partners at this conference. In fact, the majority of the transgender population there was either divorced or in the process of separation. It is the rare person who can come to understand the true nature of what lies beneath the shell of the body they occupy and to see the true person beneath! On our first afternoon at the conference, we were invited to lunch with Chloe and Lana at a local Italian Restaurant ad...

The SCC conference is nearly upon us and Joanne and I have gone into a panic mode realizing that there are a few key pieces missing that will complete what ensembles we have laid out for the event. It's been a difficult week for the both of us. My mom is slipping more and more into dementia and is often not sure of where she is or even who we are. It's been both frustrating and frightening for us all and some time out to go shopping is a welcome diversion. We headed down to the Mall of New Hampshire Saturday evening about 6pm. At the toll plaza on Interstate 93, I pulled up and handed the collector a twenty dollar bill for the one dollar toll. He was an older middle aged gentleman who looked right at me and said, "I never mind taking the time to make change when such a beautiful woman pulls up to my lane". Likely he could not see from his high vantage over to the passenger side to see Joanne sitting there and so I blushed a bit. I thanked him for such a kind com...

I took a walk this evening, alone along the dimly lit streets of west suburban Boston. The blustery wind and drizzle laden overcast skies fit my mood as I scuffled along the slick sidewalks. We had come down here to take care of business and for me to confront my parents over what had been slowly escalating over the past weeks, months, and years. Joanne was at her mothers this evening, having parted ways after a dinner out together and picking up our Amtrak Tickets at the Train Station for our upcoming trip to the SCC Transgender Convention. I was alone and I had time to think – think and relive the conversation that I had the day prior with my parents and mainly with my dad. The stiff wind and drizzle stung my face as I walked – just as the conversation I had with them stung my inner soul. It had escalated when my father's short temper, was provoked in his derogatory abrupt retorts to Joanne one evening last Friday during a phone call with my dad. Joanne had simply called t...

A question was raised the other day by a transgender woman whose wife asked her why she wanted to be a woman? Guys, she said, have it so much easier in society it seems than women. She wondered if the choices we were making to be the women we felt we were inside made life easier for us given the challenges we had to face... My answer... Guys perhaps do have it easier in regards to presentation. They certainly don't seem to have to worry about the makeup and the hair, the clothing and the accessories quite so much as the women. They seem to receive less societal judgment and bias which makes things a bit easier. With all of this in mind, I used to question my own identity and my desires to be the woman I am inside. Understanding the additional tedium involved with being a woman and understanding that I had created a successful life as a male did not make the logic more understandable. The choices in life to be who I am inside do not make life easier except internally. To NOT be th...