9.29.10 - An interesting day out....
It was after work that I drove down to my therapist's office to chat about what's been going on since our last visit nearly six weeks ago. There was a lot to chat about - with SCC happening - with me coming out to my parents and Joanne to her mom about me - about my adventures out and about - and, most importantly, how I felt inside.
That last one always takes me by surprise I find. It's the simplest of questions but it causes the greatest amount of thought and reflection. I thought carefully about the question as it was posed towards the latter part of our meeting. I've been in a paradox of thoughts really. I am comfortable with myself and quite happy to simply exist as the woman I am inside and frustrated that I continue the 'swiss cheese' persona of the male character I had built up over so many years. Frustration... no - really more anxiety - and showing up in my dreams in restless nights and in my thoughts by day. I keep them all at bay knowing that my staunchest supporter is my wife and that she gives more than most wives would - heck, she is, even at this moment, out shopping for a couple of girly items I need! So for now, we take the small steps, one at a time, working to build on what we have slowly and in an attempt not to rush into anything so quickly as to tear our lives apart.
After therapy, I decided to stop at Kohl's Department Store on the way home. I had a coupon and 30 dollars in Kohl's 'play money' to utilize before expiration in a few days and so what better than to stop while dressed appropriately! It was dark by the time I arrived and so I parked under a light and alighted from the vehicle. I retreated from the darkness and into the light of the store as I entered through the double doors. I clip clopped across the hard tile floor past the registers and towards the women's department. Even with the noticeable noise I made as I made my way down the main aisle, no one paid any attention to me. I was blending in and, for the most part, quite invisible. I wore a nice ruffled long sleeve top and dressy brown pants with a buckled black belt and some low heeled Mary Janes.
I made my way through the store to the women's department, where I spied a skirt I had seen prior in the weekly circular. It was exactly what I wanted and so grabbed a size 10 and an 8 just to have my bases covered, and worked my way over to the fitting rooms. Joanne was not with me this evening so I was on my own as I entered the hallway of dressing rooms. Standing in that hallway were two teenage girls, who were chatting busily with one another. I thought to myself that perhaps they might clue int to me, as I have noted that some teenage girls have in the past - and I considered to stop dead in my tracks, turn around and wait until they had left before entering. The thought was a fleeting one and I continued with confidence and powered my way into the dressing rooms, made eye contact with them both and excused myself verbally as I parted around them. They gave no odd looks although they had locked eyes on me as I approached - but with no expression that would be out of the ordinary. As I entered the dressing room and shut the door, I could hear them do the same and their chatter and banter did not include any talk of me or about me as I caught their conversation between themselves.
I tried on the skirt, but neither the size 10 nor the 8 fit. Being a fitted skirt, I needed to get the size just right for my waist. It was obvious that the sizings were not correct at all since I was normally a size 10. I got dressed, went back to the racks, and replacing the ones I had tried on with a size 6, went back to the fitting rooms. Again, this was just a tad bit large and although it was not a bad fit, a size 4 would be PERFECT. I went, once again, back to the racks and scoured them for a size 4. Alas, none were to be found in the racks.
Just as I was giving up all hope, I noticed the mannequin display wearing the skirt and thought, "well, why not take a look - just to be sure....". I peeled back the skirt on the mannequin and lo and behold, it was the size 4 I was looking for! But now the question was... what to do? I was a bit nervous and somewhat wary, but only for an instant. I NEEDED that skirt and this was the exact size I had to have! I sauntered over to the sales associate, who was organizing racks, a young woman of perhaps 20 or so and explained my situation. She gave s slight smile just as I started to speak but quickly became disarmed as I spoke and affirmed that she could definitely help.
Back at the mannequin, I held the body in mid-air as she slipped the skirt off it's waist. If ever I wanted any attention in a busy store on a solo shopping expedition, I certainly had it all on me now! Me holding by one hand, a half naked mannequin off it's stand, while I reached with the other hand to grab another skirt off the rack for the sales associate to re-dress the dummy. I laughed slightly and chided with the sales associate that I was sure this would at least make for a more interesting night and an experience to talk about tomorrow for sure. She agreed and chuckled back as we wrestled to get that dummy back on it's perch and screwed in with the two wing nuts on it's trunk. She thanked me for the help and I replied that it was the least I could do for her help.
As it turned out, the skirt fit perfectly, and I was a very happy camper as I left the store. I would be wearing that skirt over the coming weekend - a weekend that would bring new adventure and open a few more doors in both Joanne's, and my own world.
It was after work that I drove down to my therapist's office to chat about what's been going on since our last visit nearly six weeks ago. There was a lot to chat about - with SCC happening - with me coming out to my parents and Joanne to her mom about me - about my adventures out and about - and, most importantly, how I felt inside.
That last one always takes me by surprise I find. It's the simplest of questions but it causes the greatest amount of thought and reflection. I thought carefully about the question as it was posed towards the latter part of our meeting. I've been in a paradox of thoughts really. I am comfortable with myself and quite happy to simply exist as the woman I am inside and frustrated that I continue the 'swiss cheese' persona of the male character I had built up over so many years. Frustration... no - really more anxiety - and showing up in my dreams in restless nights and in my thoughts by day. I keep them all at bay knowing that my staunchest supporter is my wife and that she gives more than most wives would - heck, she is, even at this moment, out shopping for a couple of girly items I need! So for now, we take the small steps, one at a time, working to build on what we have slowly and in an attempt not to rush into anything so quickly as to tear our lives apart.
After therapy, I decided to stop at Kohl's Department Store on the way home. I had a coupon and 30 dollars in Kohl's 'play money' to utilize before expiration in a few days and so what better than to stop while dressed appropriately! It was dark by the time I arrived and so I parked under a light and alighted from the vehicle. I retreated from the darkness and into the light of the store as I entered through the double doors. I clip clopped across the hard tile floor past the registers and towards the women's department. Even with the noticeable noise I made as I made my way down the main aisle, no one paid any attention to me. I was blending in and, for the most part, quite invisible. I wore a nice ruffled long sleeve top and dressy brown pants with a buckled black belt and some low heeled Mary Janes.
I made my way through the store to the women's department, where I spied a skirt I had seen prior in the weekly circular. It was exactly what I wanted and so grabbed a size 10 and an 8 just to have my bases covered, and worked my way over to the fitting rooms. Joanne was not with me this evening so I was on my own as I entered the hallway of dressing rooms. Standing in that hallway were two teenage girls, who were chatting busily with one another. I thought to myself that perhaps they might clue int to me, as I have noted that some teenage girls have in the past - and I considered to stop dead in my tracks, turn around and wait until they had left before entering. The thought was a fleeting one and I continued with confidence and powered my way into the dressing rooms, made eye contact with them both and excused myself verbally as I parted around them. They gave no odd looks although they had locked eyes on me as I approached - but with no expression that would be out of the ordinary. As I entered the dressing room and shut the door, I could hear them do the same and their chatter and banter did not include any talk of me or about me as I caught their conversation between themselves.
I tried on the skirt, but neither the size 10 nor the 8 fit. Being a fitted skirt, I needed to get the size just right for my waist. It was obvious that the sizings were not correct at all since I was normally a size 10. I got dressed, went back to the racks, and replacing the ones I had tried on with a size 6, went back to the fitting rooms. Again, this was just a tad bit large and although it was not a bad fit, a size 4 would be PERFECT. I went, once again, back to the racks and scoured them for a size 4. Alas, none were to be found in the racks.
Just as I was giving up all hope, I noticed the mannequin display wearing the skirt and thought, "well, why not take a look - just to be sure....". I peeled back the skirt on the mannequin and lo and behold, it was the size 4 I was looking for! But now the question was... what to do? I was a bit nervous and somewhat wary, but only for an instant. I NEEDED that skirt and this was the exact size I had to have! I sauntered over to the sales associate, who was organizing racks, a young woman of perhaps 20 or so and explained my situation. She gave s slight smile just as I started to speak but quickly became disarmed as I spoke and affirmed that she could definitely help.
Back at the mannequin, I held the body in mid-air as she slipped the skirt off it's waist. If ever I wanted any attention in a busy store on a solo shopping expedition, I certainly had it all on me now! Me holding by one hand, a half naked mannequin off it's stand, while I reached with the other hand to grab another skirt off the rack for the sales associate to re-dress the dummy. I laughed slightly and chided with the sales associate that I was sure this would at least make for a more interesting night and an experience to talk about tomorrow for sure. She agreed and chuckled back as we wrestled to get that dummy back on it's perch and screwed in with the two wing nuts on it's trunk. She thanked me for the help and I replied that it was the least I could do for her help.
As it turned out, the skirt fit perfectly, and I was a very happy camper as I left the store. I would be wearing that skirt over the coming weekend - a weekend that would bring new adventure and open a few more doors in both Joanne's, and my own world.
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