Connecting The Dots
Again, it has been a while since I have posted on here. A lot has been happening around and within me. Living now full time as a woman publicly has brought a sense of peace and contentment to me internally in ways I have never felt before internally.
No matter what hardships I may incur as a result of this life change, it is a decision I could never regret. To have such a personal sense of peace like no other is at once reaffirming and calming. There is no way that anyone who is not transgender could understand the feeling of dysphoria in not being able to live authentically to their own sense of self. Likewise, there was no way I could have known how comfortable it was for those born into a gender that fits from birth.....until now. Now I understand what I was feeling before; the anxiety, the withdrawal from society, the angst and pensiveness. The lack of comfortability in others who felt ill at ease with me as a person playing the male role has been replaced with the world relating comfortably with me now as a woman. I understand it now because now, finally, I am finding peace and contentment like no other I have ever experienced.
And now we enter a new chapter in the pages of my life, a story which can only be told as it is written. It is a story which only will reveal its true ending when my life has.
More and more, as I explore the "all" of who I am, I have come to accept what I have thought all along of myself but was too afraid to admit. It was something I harbored throughout my marriage, avoided, obfuscated through life's many diversions. It was something I only recently have allowed myself to admit truly to myself. It is the fact that I am a heterosexual woman.
Truth be told, I am not comfortable at all with the parts I was born with. When I was eight years old, my mother caught me, a pair of scissors in hand, ready to cut the "thing" off. I didn't know then what girls had but what I did know was that something felt very wrong at the core of who I was from a young age....questioning "it" at ages much earlier than 8 years old. Truth be told again that as a heterosexual woman, I need to have that alignment of body with mind before I would ever consider materializing this fact in deed.
The contentment I feel as a woman societally has now become one which is painted with a new-found angst of knowing what must come next in order for me to fully feel complete. It's nothing new. I knew at some level that my physicality was amiss from as early as age 5 that I can recollect.
The dots are being connected, one-by-one and the picture of who I am in sum total can be seen now in the pages of my own book. There is just one more chapter which must be written for it to be complete. The thoughts of a surgical intervention to bring closure to this book are now no longer merely thoughts. They are written in the pages ahead. When this chapter finishes, it will be the start of a new book....and the beginning of a new adventure.
No matter what hardships I may incur as a result of this life change, it is a decision I could never regret. To have such a personal sense of peace like no other is at once reaffirming and calming. There is no way that anyone who is not transgender could understand the feeling of dysphoria in not being able to live authentically to their own sense of self. Likewise, there was no way I could have known how comfortable it was for those born into a gender that fits from birth.....until now. Now I understand what I was feeling before; the anxiety, the withdrawal from society, the angst and pensiveness. The lack of comfortability in others who felt ill at ease with me as a person playing the male role has been replaced with the world relating comfortably with me now as a woman. I understand it now because now, finally, I am finding peace and contentment like no other I have ever experienced.
And now we enter a new chapter in the pages of my life, a story which can only be told as it is written. It is a story which only will reveal its true ending when my life has.
More and more, as I explore the "all" of who I am, I have come to accept what I have thought all along of myself but was too afraid to admit. It was something I harbored throughout my marriage, avoided, obfuscated through life's many diversions. It was something I only recently have allowed myself to admit truly to myself. It is the fact that I am a heterosexual woman.
Truth be told, I am not comfortable at all with the parts I was born with. When I was eight years old, my mother caught me, a pair of scissors in hand, ready to cut the "thing" off. I didn't know then what girls had but what I did know was that something felt very wrong at the core of who I was from a young age....questioning "it" at ages much earlier than 8 years old. Truth be told again that as a heterosexual woman, I need to have that alignment of body with mind before I would ever consider materializing this fact in deed.
The contentment I feel as a woman societally has now become one which is painted with a new-found angst of knowing what must come next in order for me to fully feel complete. It's nothing new. I knew at some level that my physicality was amiss from as early as age 5 that I can recollect.
The dots are being connected, one-by-one and the picture of who I am in sum total can be seen now in the pages of my own book. There is just one more chapter which must be written for it to be complete. The thoughts of a surgical intervention to bring closure to this book are now no longer merely thoughts. They are written in the pages ahead. When this chapter finishes, it will be the start of a new book....and the beginning of a new adventure.
A wonderful piece that articulates superbly what it means to be full time. When those pages of the book are written, I like to think of it as "The adventure continues"
ReplyDeleteIsn't it nice NOT to have to change back into someone you're not anymore? I wish I could do the same, but can't - for a while yet....
ReplyDeleteI've not long since gone full time but I totally know how you feel already.
ReplyDeleteThe best way I can describe it is the buzzing in my head that's been driving me crazy for so many years is starting to fade.
Keep writing those chapters!
As an FtM who has only had top surgery and will not go any further, I am happy to say I am happy with the way I am and have made full peace with that. Now that I love myself, life is so lonely. Not many people understand. I see people hug every day and I so long to just die in someone's arms (not literally of course!). I am so glad you are the person you are. You are so genuine. And...GOD I wish you were single! You are so beautiful! :)
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