The Woman Within

Every child in town seemed to like me a lot... But the person who lived inside my head did NOT! I hated myself inside and it felt like such treason Now, please don't ask why. I didn’t quite yet know the reason. It could be my head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that I always felt fright. But I think that the most likely reason to be May have been that I was a woman inside you see. Whatever the reason, my heart or my soul I rued each day that I was not truly made whole, Looking inside myself with that virtual frown, I felt incomplete and that just brought me down While everyone I knew seemed happier all around I felt every other person was simply bequeathed With a blissful congruity of their gender beneath As they lived their lives plainly without being sheathed “And they seem so happy!” I muttered in a way no one could hear “I’m becoming a man in not many years!” Then I thought in my head, my thoughts were just

Many transgender individuals seem to take pictures of themselves for a number of reasons. While many who are outside the community (and within as well) might often consider it as a form of narcissism, fetishism or something else, it is often much more than that. Although not exclusively a rule, I see the general trend that those individuals who have felt trapped in having to play an acting role in the play of their own lives tend to take pictures for reasons other than narcissism .  It's a way to capture the woman inside them and to have that with them for when they have to revert to playing their acting role in the gender they do not identify with. It gives one something to hold onto, ephemeral and intangible as it may be. It is a way to ask for critiquing among peers as they try to find and hone their true identity for the first time. It is a memory and a window back to a short period of happiness in having been able to express as one truly identifies and a picture can car

I was going to get my hair done next week but a look in the mirror yesterday morning convinced me that I was starting to look like Diana Ross. That evening I found myself sitting in the chair getting my hair done when one of the hair stylists passed by several times, her eyes intently glued on me. She had done this the last time I was in too and now it was just getting me a bit weirded out. . You probably know where I'm going with this already and, yes, when someone is really intently staring at me I tend to wonder if they are trying to figure me out. Afterwards, when my coiffure du'jour was completed, she came by and apologized saying, "I hope you don't mind but every time you come in here I just can't get over how well made up you are; your skin is amazing and you are just so beautiful". Well that just surprised me as I was not expecting anything like that. . I thanked her and before I knew it my hair stylist and two others had joined in the

I shudder at times when I look back on my blog, at my writings and my posts from years ago.  It's like a different person was writing, a different person was living, a different person was seeing.  How do I begin this entry?  Where do I start?  There are so many things that have changed in my life that it's like the person who wrote, who lived just a few short years before, was someone else... someone else who saw the world through blinders, through rose colored glasses and who swam through life in the shallow waters of some swimming pool.  Now the woman staring back in the mirror is swimming for her life in deeper waters of the the blue Atlantic toward the distant shore of lands at the edge of a limitless horizon. Those still happily playing in the shallow end of the pool, surrounded by the safety of the ladders and the lifeguards can scarcely perceive that the swim I am making is one for my life now.  I'm not drowning but I cannot stop where I am now.  The tides and c

Have you ever had a dream that seemed so vivid, so real, that it was something you found you would remember for years to come?  They don't happen for me that often but this most recent of dreams was an incredibly relevant analog to the choices, the decisions and the changes and the challenges in my own life that I have been facing.  It was a simple dream but one which I believe will resonate with many.  Perhaps my dream was a manifestation of an old Twilight Zone Episode that resounds strongly with me each time I randomly happen to see it.  In any event, this is how it went..... I was on a train traveling to another city.  The day was bright and sunny and the scenery outside my window was whipping past my window as I looked around the coach from the comfortable window seat I was in.  The idyllic Currier and Ives scene was not to last as I suddenly had a premonition.  In that moment I saw the future.  There was to be a huge train wreck.  The train that I was on would make it's

Again, it has been a while since I have posted on here.  A lot has been happening around and within me.  Living now full time as a woman publicly has brought a sense of peace and contentment to me internally in ways I have never felt before internally. No matter what hardships I may incur as a result of this life change, it is a decision I could never regret.  To have such a personal sense of peace like no other is at once reaffirming and calming.  There is no way that anyone who is not transgender could understand the feeling of dysphoria in not being able to live authentically to their own sense of self.  Likewise, there was no way I could have known how comfortable it was for those born into a gender that fits from birth.....until now.  Now I understand what I was feeling before; the anxiety, the withdrawal from society, the angst and pensiveness.  The lack of comfortability in others who felt ill at ease with me as a person playing the male role has been replaced with the world r

With the recent "coming out" of Caitlyn Jenner, there has been an explosion in the media from many angles as a response.  One of the most poignant of those has been the intersection between the feminists and transgender women.  A polarization between these two groups has manifested and coalesced into article after article appearing in the media by feminists as to what it means to be a woman.  The ideology of womanhood itself is at question and is under scrutiny and challenge as the very core of womanhood is at once rethought, reshaped and redefined in the eyes of many. At the core of the argument by feminists arises the conception that many transgender women are stereotyping the construct of femininity into the very thing they, themselves have been trying to break away from.  Caitlyn Jenner's comments in her interview with Diane Sawyer revealed several remarks in which she proudly announced that she would finally be able to wear her nail polish freely now as a woman. Th

Life has really ramped up lately for me.  It seems, in fact, that my life has taken a route of it's own and is driving me forward rather than the other way around.  I find myself amidst opportunities which are either presenting themselves by chance or through others who are offering them to me and I find myself surrounded more and more, by supportive women who have made a huge positive impact in my life as a woman.  Let me expand just a little on these and put them all in the context of what is transpiring and what it perhaps means. Opportunities:  In the past year alone, I have been asked to co-chair the state chapter of a nationally recognized support organization, PFLAG and to help in the efforts to bring about support to families, parents and children who either are or who support someone who is GLBT.  Being able to make a difference through regular meetings we host or in the many speaking engagements I find myself a part of at both schools and churches is such a positive exp

It is approaching the one year mark now on hormone replacement.  Simply put, that means that I've chemically reduced my male hormones and, in replacement, have introduced a female hormone regimen to replicate that of most natal women.  The action of doing this was NOT to suddenly transform me magically into a woman.  Heck no.  I've been easily moving through society now and seen as a woman for a long time prior to my ever starting hormones.  It wasn't solely for just obtaining breasts either (even though I realize that seems to be a major aspect or even, for some, a wishful fantasy). No, breasts are another thing to deal with that require yet another piece of restrictive clothing to retain them in their place.  Ok, well they are nice in filling out my outfits so I guess, overall,  it's a wash. No, the reason I started on hormone replacement was to see how they would affect me mentally and if they would quell the disparity that I have always felt between mind and body

Transitioning genders, contrary to what some may believe, is NOT a choice.  When it comes right down to it, why would anyone choose to upset the entirety of their lives in so doing?  So then if I am saying this is NOT a choice, then why do it?  Well, the reason is really as starkly simple as it is complex.....it is because the choice NOT to transition would result in greater pain and in many cases, as in my own, a likely slow, cancerous demise and a spiraling dance downwards until death. I would never choose to see my spouse watching her husband "die" before her eyes as the vision of "he" becomes slowly and steadily "she".  I would not willingly wish to risk my job, my friends, and the potential loss of acceptance by those around me simply to fulfill some fantastic notion or desire.  I would not choose in an often hidden yet silently misogynistic society still known in many circles as "a man's world" to "become" a woman and to str

"Winter's Wonderland" The beauty of a winter's snow is fine When days of sun and play ensue Yet this season's deluge doth not imbue A bucolic serenity within my mind. Of forty days and forty nights Of ice and snow that never ends For those who visit, it serves a fright Of snow so deep and roofs which bend. With a stoical sigh and a stolid look With rake and hammer I climb up high Ascending the roof for reasons why Clearing a way for reindeer that fly. Yet none shall need cleared a landing pad For Santa's schedule is so very well planned His visit came before all the snow we've had Now on a tropical beach is he in sun and sand. And while I make ice cubes of glaciers on high Watching them plummet with pleasure and glee I listen for the birds and hear not a cry In their migration next fall will likely be me. - Christen Bustani This was written after having spent the better part of yesterday morning trying to clear snow and ice

With so many things going on in my life both personal and familial, it has been a trying time for quite a long period of late.  Redefining the very existence of one's relationship with one's spouse because of being transgender has proven to be more emotionally difficult for us both.  It's funny, because in some ways our relationship is stronger than it ever was but in others, it is as if whole segments are now gone.  While there is mourning at the virtual death of the husband that was, there is a new relationship as sisters and friends.  It is a conflagration of conflicting emotions which we both harbor within our hearts and it is proving to be a difficult realm for us both. Familial ties and stresses for us both in our respective families has begun to test our mettle and endurance to be there for others while we both find ourselves silently struggling within with our own issues.  It is for this reason, that the first part of the title of this blog entry exists.  I, and w

In my spare time, I've been teaching myself how to play the Piano.  Having no formal lessons except for my patience and my purchase of this beautiful keyboard from Goodwill for six dollars, I've been able to accomplish something that brings me great pleasure when the house is empty, the mind is addled and the evening's are late....sometimes very late. You likely know all of these tunes.... although you may not recognize the names.... Hit the "pause" button in the "Melodic Musings" box on the right to halt any background music which may autostart. Enjoy......  Humoresque by Antonín Dvořák https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=989792331031918&l=5245743103051810713 The Entertainer https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=966004216744063&l=8639414119027083562 Fur Elise: https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=944279178916567&l=4994856884859761698 Hungarian Dance Number 5: https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=944311685579983&l