Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

I don't really know how to start some of my posts sometimes, so perhaps I should just cut to the subject straight away and go from there....... So with that...."I've come to talk with you again"

I've been in something of a "dark place" of late, at least until recently.  There have been more than a handful of days that I wonder about why it is I bother to get up in the morning.  I shrug those thoughts off as I fight to dispel them over a cup of coffee and an array of busy-work to keep myself occupied.  It's hard to explain and a lot of it, I am quite sure, has much to do with the nature of who I am and the emotive states I entertain as part of the embodiment of who I am

"Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains"

I know that I am quite fortunate for many things and that in comparative terms, there are many who would simply scoff at what would appear topically to be a cry for attention.  But it's not that.  It's not a cry for attention at all.  It's something of a gnawing unrest combined with a deep and emotionally painful scar of emotions that simply will not subside, or at least did not until recently.

Because things feel a little bit "brighter" in my life now, I find it more amenable to discuss this.  I know that it is not uncommon to willingly try to hide a problem while one is battling it, and I am likely no exception to this general rule.  Truth be told, there were a few times that I managed to evoke some tangible inkling of what was rattling around in my head....

"But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence"

I should consider myself fortunate and lucky for what I have done, who I have touched in this life and in how others respect me as a person, a confidant and a friend.....but sometimes the weight of the seemingly unsolvable looms like an unseen black hole, sucking one in to the point that no light from outside can get in or be seen.  I don't feel at liberty to discuss here some of those dark elements but I will say that they are there, they are pervasive, like spectres hiding in shadow, lurking to take hold when an idle mind doth present itself.  Keep busy.... Find diversions, Keep moving and doing.  it's a short term strategy with the hopes that it will allow steps towards a longer term goal.

I've made some decisions.  I've had to.  Ending up in a position that is quasi-female, standing on the fulcrum of this teeter totter of gender, with male to one end and female to the other, is quite a difficult place to stay balanced forever.  I've got my reasons for being where I am.  To me they are valid and in the larger picture it is working.  I'm slowly moving along the see-saw towards the female end, attempting to hold the balance as I do.  I can't go back to living and playing the male role.... doing so would lead to an end I wish not to discuss here.  Things have happened in my life that, although I am greatly loved, am no longer the same person in a relationship I once knew.  It leaves a hole not only in this respect, but a gap as well in where I am in this ephemeral middle-ground of gender and my life.

It's decided.  Fate and time have decided my direction on a course I had to start down and where I stand now and look back at what has collapsed around me.  Turning my head to look forward, I see what possibilities exist and in so gazing forward,  I DO see as a positive.  I also look around me, where I stand in the middle, not looking back, not looking forward, and here see a wealth of love and support, opportunity and friendship standing beside me.  It helps pull me out of a funk when I consider what I do have and where I can yet still go.

It was a recent event that really turned my life around, in a huge way.  It may seem trivial to most, but I will share with you a video I compiled of this life event and perhaps you will understand what I speak of.  In this event, I saw a pure love and eyes which looked into mine and thanked me in such a moving and non-verbal way, that it has forever changed me in subtle and yet distinct ways.  This was an opportunity at something that I seized and gave my all and for sharing my heart and soul, I was shown that there is significance to the all of who I am.  There has ALWAYS been significance, but yet I had become blind, circling so close to the "black hole" of thoughts and dark emotions which had infiltrated my being.

"Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"

I won't describe the events behind my inner hidden hurt and feeling of darkness, but I will let you watch the video of the events which helped turn me around. In 28 days, I was touched by an angel of opportunity, that although perhaps seemingly small and insignificant, left me at its conclusion feeling on top of the world.  The event was a harbinger of how I must live my life going forward.... in seeking to help.... in seeking to promote love and unity... and in perhaps, in some small way, feeling that at the end of my life, I have made some sort of positive difference.  And in the process of doing this, I am and will find myself.....

I chose for this piece, a musical score, the composition of which, spoke to me when I first heard it, forming images with each passage, as if words within a book.  Truly, I find I have the ability to see music as images as if they were the written word....perhaps that is a gift I have....   And when I heard this piece, it was a heart-pouring event to simply stitch what tangible pieces I had gathered over these 28 days into something that would capture, something of what I saw and what I felt.  You may see it too.... in they eyes, in the body language.  It's there.  It's real.  It's tangible. It is the giving of love and of appreciation in its purest form.  I am committed to continuing forward that which I have been given as a gift.... until my last breath.  Enjoy..... and special thanks to "The Beatles"....

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  1. As I watch and listen to your story, your story of openly silent struggles, it's always on my mind that your story is really two stories. There is an even more silent struggle going on in the whole of your being. This I understand, even if our struggles are not exactly the same. This is what drives my thoughts and prayers for you. And yes, that 'you' is plural and singular at the same time.

    I have thoroughly enjoyed The Story of Rainbow as it has played out. Having held a hummingbird that my brother and I rescued from being stuck in a screen on our screened in porch when we were young - having seen the indications of gratitude in the gestures of the tiny bird as he recovered, I may just get it.

    In your interaction with Rainbow, you have been given a glimpse of motherhood. This experience has made you just a bit more complete. Perhaps that's what helped you out of the dark. I hope you can continue in the light. Hugs, my sweet friend.

  2. I think you were spot on Nicole! I had to do some soul searching myself and found that the experience with Rainbow simply highlighted something I have always wished for silently throughout my life. I wasn't entirely sure of it and doubted myself many times over but the fact remains that I wished I had been able to be a mom. It's a lot easier for me to grasp in knowing and accepting fully, now that I recognize that I am female at heart.

  3. Beautiful video of a special event you will always remember. So beautiful when we can truly touch the soul of another creature we share this world with. I've followed Rainbow on face book and this video brought tears to my eyes this morning. You have truly saved a life and made a difference, not many of us get to truly touch the heart and soul of some of the wild creatures we share this world with but when we do it is so uplifting to see and feel that love returned to us. The greatest gift is Love especially when given freely without regard to what we will get in return.

  4. Christen, I find in reading your Post, that I could just as easily be reading about myself. I too have also gone through periodic dark days. It's funny how many of the same experiences we trans women share. I admire how far your journey has taken you. Though we have never met face to face, I appreciate the things you have shared. Thanks for the day you accepted my online friendship.

  5. Beautiful articulate words from a warm hearted soul. Thank you!


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