The Woman Within

I feel an ebb and a flow in transition, as if eddies, currents and rip-tides which oft seem to drag me out to open water far from shore seem to then wash me back in towards shore..... not the shore from which I entered the water to be sure, but a new and wondrous beach to find myself upon nonetheless. Although I oft long for the beach I commanded many years ago, I cannot deny the wonder, the beauty and the amazing experiences of the sands I now find myself upon and exploring anew. There is no celebratory stance nor would I consider this an enviable position. I simply find that I am,and I exist apparently, within this realm. It is a place "natural" to my being yet without personal attendance worthy of fanfare or celebration. It just is me. The "pink sunglasses", temporal as they were, are gone. The reality of this station in life is simply here and the decisions commensurate with how to move ahead, finding a path which serves to preserve the most ...

After an emotionally charged week for me spending time with my dad, it's nice to be back up north, to be able to open the blinds and see the mountains and the flowing river, to hear the song of birds and the.... joyful experience of seeing a skunk busily digging up our yard as we pulled into the driveway near midnight last night.  Yes, there was the incident at the restaurant the other day (earlier post) that had me feeling like I wanted to shrink into my seat, but there is so much more emotion and so many more memories that spring to life once again, like ghosts from the past, when I am down there.  I'll write about all of that some day, but it's too hard right now.  The story of growing up is not a happy one and I still harbor conflicted emotions of both love and of disgust.... but at least I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing for him. My dad saw me leave with J to head back up north.  I was back in my normal regalia and he encountered me as my tru...

Bit of a Panic Attack tonight (serious understatement).  My dad took me out to eat for my birthday this evening. As a premise to this story, he knows about my status being transgender and has, on occasion, been witness to see the real me. Generally I present as my guy mode for him because it's really too much for him at his age to handle. That's my gift back to him when I come down to visit. So, tonight I wore my blue jeans, my blue polo shirt and no makeup what-so-ever. In theory, I sported a very generic non-female-gender look. I figured I was pulling off guy mode pretty well as I interacted initially with the restaurant staff. When the waiter came over to take our orders, he asked my dad (calling him sir) and then me, much to my surprise - ma'am! Well, it it all seemed to go over my dad's attention unnoticed, at least initially and thankfully! Then, J, who is visiting with her mom, called me on my cellphone just as the waiter returned once more...

Making the journey of life as a transgender individual is a more difficult, more trying test of strength than can be imagined by most. Even as a transgender individual, feeling I may have had the omniscience of personal perspective,  I still find myself surprised by my own inability to fully visualize and forecast all of the stormy seas that have been encountered in the odyssey of my own life.  It is as unique as are the journeys each of us must travel individually as well.  The choice of a transgender individual, faced with the prospect of hiding who they are truly as they have known for their entire lives, is only a choice as to hiding and playing their lives as an act for others, or in coming to live honestly to themselves.   Unfortunately, we still find many in our society who would rather we spend a lifetime in a role of acting as a character in our own play that is our life, rather than to "thine own self be true". Hiding who we are is only but a...

An intriguing question today from a comment left by someone.  A question that provoked a moment of thought.... a moment of repose, and a reflective response..... Question: What were your realistic (transitioning) goals? I mean like in stages, weekly monthly as you decided and knew who you were? Where did you build your confidence from?     Response: That's a very intriguing question. I've always seen myself as a person who has set goals and timelines in life, both scholastic as well as professional. Interestingly, my perspective of my goals was like a goal marker constantly moving forward as I would approach it. Not so much a goal was it for me to reach, each time, what seemed to become an interim point..... more-so it was a case of "let me try this and observe the results" along each step of the way. For myself, I needed to understand how my feelings for each step taken, assess the attendant emotions and reactions as well as to ascertain how ...

Wednesday, May 7, 2014 is not a day I shall soon forget.  The day was spent at the New Hampshire State House in Concord, New Hampshire assisting in efforts to bring about an educational understanding of what it means to be transgender and the challenges we face within the state as a result.  Our ultimate goal is one which will help to illuminate the necessity of creating state legislation which would make it illegal to deny someone who is gender variant, the opportunity for housing or public accommodation or to fire someone from their job.  The basic human rights which we all, as citizens, are entitled to, should not be denied simply because of personal or perhaps religious claims of bias It was a huge day for me, a week prior, when I was asked by a prominent staff attorney from GLAD in Boston to do this, I almost thought to say "no!".  You see, as a male, I was always very shy and introverted.  Public engagements were a very difficult proposition for me....