Those Who Dwell in Glass Houses Should Consider What Stones They May Throw

It is with a weighted heart that I write this entry in my blog. It is not one I wished to write, nor one that I would have ever preconceived from the deepest recesses from my mind. Nevertheless, the gnawing which I have felt for sometime through endless innuendos and disparate pieces have become too numerous to ignore any longer.

Although I have felt these feelings, and dismissed them, for some time, it was my spouse who manifested the reality of what I felt was happening and which I tried to brush under the table... to ignore.... for some time now. It is something that, like a cancer, has grown in time to a point that it could no longer be ignored. It had grown to a point where it began to tear at the very fabric and intimacy of our own relationship, threatening, in the process, to tear it apart.

Let me be perfectly clear what this is. Let me relate what has been going on. I have, for some time, been aware that others have been casting darts at the very fabric of the relationship which I hold with J and with my own sense of self as well. I can only insinuate the possible reasons but the actions speak volumes to me. There are also many who believe they know me through the virtual world, and through what they see that I present therein. They relate what they believe to be my issues... my problems... my faults... my hidden fears... through what they are privy to and by what I share in this, the virtual internet realm.

While perhaps their intent is one of friendship as they see it, it is often as a dart thrown with a blindfold on... an attempt and a miss. Those who know me, know that I do not often ask questions of others that are of a personal nature... do not probe into another person's life... and do not try to dig into another's life. Perhaps this may come off to others as me being indifferent for not doing so. Perhaps they may feel that I am not interested in hearing about their views, experiences and lives. But in reality, nothing could be farther from the truth. I am very much interested in hearing and discussing what my acquaintances and friends may offer.... but I never like to take up a position to throw out an opinion, or to do so publicly especially such that others may see their opinion of me then made public for others to read. I respect others' privacy and am there if they ask but will not probe and inquire if they do not ask me first.

I wish it were true the other way around. I truly do.

Many have made themselves plainly heard to tell me that I have spent too much time trying to figure out who I am and why I am the way I am. They tell me that I should live in the present and not in the past, and that I should move on. What I must state for the record is that I am a scientist by nature. I am a person who questions EVERYTHING in life. It is who I am. When I was a child, I asked and inquired why the sky was blue, why did gravity exist and all manner of questions. I was never satisfied until I had an answer for each question and so read books, and read more until I could have an answer which satisfied me. I yearn to know. I yearn to understand. I yearn to find answers and to relate them to others such that perhaps others will not have to face the same struggles in their own lives. This is why I relate my story and this is why I do it so that I can also try to fit together the pieces of my own life.

Many may not know that there have been many secrets kept from me my entire life. I learned only within the last 5 years the following.... My mother was remarried. My Sister was not the biological offspring of my father. My parents tried to dispense my sister at a young age onto a relative for my Father's mother's fear that no one should know that my father married a woman who bore a child by another man. That my mother claimed she was raped by her first husband which caused her pregnancy... although it was consensual sex, as I had come to learn. That my mother knew I was different but tried to hide that from me all my life growing up. That my mother took drugs which are known to cause gender and sexual variances yet hid this. And I learned all of this exactly one month before I watched my mother take her last breath as I held her hand.

There is much more... but it is beyond the scope of what I mean to write here.

What I am upset with are the friends who attack me and state that I am only interested in constantly retelling the past, of wishing to tell only my story but not to listen to others. That I am the person who needs the audience yet will not be an audience to others. To you, I say, you do not know me. You did not live my life and I did not live yours. I write to help myself through my own recently availed past which I have only in the past 5 years come to find out the truth of. I write to help others who perhaps may read this one day and find something in it that may help them. If you don't have the empathy or sympathy or caring of a friend to allow me to vent, to write and to hopefully help others, then please, just leave me alone and let me be. I ask nothing more. If you want to give me your opinion, then please ask me first if you may give it, instead of throwing it out. I speak of several people here... not just one. Those who may know who they are are likely not even reading this so no matter.

I post a picture of myself in a dress. I don't often wear dresses as I have a varicose vein issue which is congenital and often painful. J is a bit nervous of my going in for treatment on it and, quite frankly, I am as well. As a result, I often wear pantyhose as a way to provide support for the circulation. I post a picture of myself wearing a dress and the only remark I get back from a supposedly good friend is not that they like the dress or something nice about the picture but rather.... "Why are you wearing pantyhose in summer?" and publicly posted as well. I didn't want to tell the entire world I have a circulatory issue in one leg so I did not answer it. I just deleted their very inconsiderate public commentary.  The same person only and always posts criticisms in a similar vein to many of my posts.  Never is there anything positive to say or to find something pleasant to say.  This is a person who called upon me when she was in a grave situation and no one else seemed to care, yet I came through to be there.  To you I say, thanks so much.  I'm hurt and I'm done with you.  Be well.

I am attacked for being silly and frivolous. Those who know me in person, know that I am a person who has great latitude and variation in my demeanor and that I can be as serious as anyone could ever be, empathetic and caring to those who are in need, but also a comedian of sorts who may come off as being overly frivolous. I deal with my own stress in life in my own way, just as each of you deal with yours in your own way. I deal with my stress through comedy and laughter. I obfuscate seriousness in a way that allows me to be able to deal with some very serious stress in my life. It's not all about being transgender, although working through that myself and with J is a sizable piece of that equation. It is how I deal with things. If you don't like that, then please, let me simply be, and walk away.

I've had more than one so-called friend try to help me by offering advice. They tell me in private that I must be truthful to myself and be who I am inside and become the woman I should be if that is who I claim to be--and then tell my spouse in private that I am being selfish and that they should demand me to be the man I was committed to when I married. J and I argued shortly after that conversation but then we shared the words of the communications we each were given, and realized that we were being played with and toyed with.

I was told, perhaps two or so years ago, by a trusted friend who always kept her opinions to herself unless asked, that there was a lot of jealousy in these people, that J and I were working this through together and that others, she said, were hoping, rooting if you will, that we would break up. Misery loves company apparently and J and I are not ready to set sail on the ship of woes with everyone else. Over time, I have heard others come forth and tell me the same... that there are those who would love to see us fail. To those that might or would think it or hope it even casually: We couldn't care less. Leave us be and be on your way. Your "help" is not appreciated here by either of us.

A "friend" told J that she should consider what she is doing in this relationship. They called her a passenger on my own ship that I was sailing and she was riding on. They asked her why would she stay with me when this was not "something she signed up for". You are right in that one respect. She did not sign up for this, nor did I. For those who simply crossdress yet still find it bearable to live your lives as male, kudos to you! For those who have realized that their heart and soul, and the way in which they socialize in the greater world is really as female, and realize that they are living as a shell of person not themselves, then there is no comparison. In any regard, you are not me and you do not know what goes on every second of every minute of every day that makes getting up in the morning unbearable save for the fact that I have the one person in my life who allows me the gift to be myself. For her gift, I work so very hard to try to quell the inner anxiety to be the person SHE needs in her life. It's not perfect. It's not up for argument or debate. It is how we live our lives and how we choose to do so together. We are the ones who stay up late at night communicating with each other. We are the ones who must live with each other's decisions. No one else has the intimacy which we have shared for 20+ years together, so please.... keep your opinions to yourself.

I have "friends" who tell me how much I seem to toot my own horn and try to capitalize on the attention of others yet they are also the same people who think it alright to boast of the stuff they own, the cars they drive, the fancy furniture they have or the accomplishments and merits they receive and must take pictures of and show. I am proud of what I see in other's lives and certainly not jealous. I've learned not to be jealous of anyone as everyone has their own demons in life to contend with and no one has it perfect... no one. However, when I post something of my own achievements, I am told I am high on myself.

Yes, I like to take pictures and yes I do have my little poses for the camera. It is simply fun for me and just playful. I am not living full time so these are my memories of my identity of a person who does not as of yet live 24x7 in the real world as the projection of the person I truly am inside. These are my iconic moments to carry me through another day. Please allow me that bit of self identity to relish.

To those who say I am living too much within the trans world and not the "real" world, I say to you this: Before I figured out who I was, I was shy and reserved and very nervous around others in the world. I realized that all my phobias and reservations sailed away the moment Christen got out in the world. She was sociable and friendly and confident because she was who she felt inside and she felt appropriate as to how she was treated as a WOMAN... not as a man.... when out in the greater world. So yes, as a male, I still deal with many of the same issues but am trying to work on them as best I can. I don't hide from the real world but I am not comfortable to live my life in it as a male and perceived and socialized with as one. I can't change my nature to pretend to fit in to something that I have found I cannot. I do not escape to the trans world but I have found that I have the opportunity to make a difference within the transgender community in the realm of both personal help so others might not have to deal with what I have dealt with, and perhaps to make a positive difference within the legal realm to help others through changes to bring about awareness in human and civil rights. Do not accuse me of being selfish, for trying to do good for others as I try to help deal with my own sense of self. If you must, then please.... be on your way and leave me to be.

I am sorry to ramble as much as I have, but I am distraught at those who have taken aim at me over the years. It is rare for me to vent and it is even rarer to see me write a piece such as I have here. I will not, in all likelihood, ever write such a piece again. But it stands as witness to what I have been feeling and have seen come to physical fruition, as my spouse has as well.

To my truest of friends, I love you all very much and you are appreciated by me and thought of fondly nearly constantly. I'm there if you need me, but I'll never impose, barge in, interfere or postulate. I am not God and I do not proclaim to have the answers to your problems. If I cannot answer all of my own questions in life then I will not preconceive to interject in yours... unless you ask... and even then, it will only be as my opinion.

I wish you all well in each of your lives....

-Christen