To the higher powers above,
Please be advised that we have been receiving more than our fair share of shipments of 2x4's to be used in taking whacks in the lives of our combined families. Please consider spacing future shipments out over greater stretches of time as this would be more amenable to all.
Your humble employee,
We are dreadfully sorry for any pain caused by the over-shipment of 2X4 lumber! Our flunkies have been in contact with the shipping department.
I am very pleased to report that the diligent oversight by this committee has paid handsome dividends. But enough about us.
The aforementioned flunkies reported that the 2X4 shipment will terminate today! Commencing tomorrow, 4x4 lumber shall ship instead.
The Grand High Supreme Exalted Executive Manglement Committee
Dear Higher Power Management,
Thank You for your rapid response regarding recent concerns surrounding over-shipment of 2x4 lumber to our families. It is with great concern and regret with which I must inform you that your substitution of 2x4's for 4x4' fence posts will not be considered an amenable solution to the quandary currently faced.
I have strongly considered that the additional mass and blunt force with which the application of such a fencepost could yield would potentially allow for the individual to remain comatose for a time sufficient to allow all subsequent deliveries of fence posts to be unnoticed. Although I have considered this possible benefit of being whacked upside the head with such a more massive piece of lumber, it is with deep regret that I will have to cancel my subscription entirely as a result.
Please be advised that I will not be needing any additional lumber and will henceforth be utilizing cans of Teflon spray in order to slide through life unscathed. I shall be forwarding a copy of this letter henceforth to DuPont for their consideration in this matter.