The Reality Of The Middle Ground
I must say that I do appreciate everyone taking the time to read my writings. They are, at the time at which I write, an emotional release and a way to document and later analyze and piece together seemingly disparate events into a more cohesive understanding holistically. I also hope that they bring some meaning and insight into others lives, such as your own in a relevant way. Certainly, feedback through relating events in one's own life and through comparative analysis has meant a lot to me as well in helping me to understand better, my own sense of self.
I noted many's amazement in the rapidity in which I went from being closeted to being quite public. I can only validate this suddenness to my angst and anxiety which had been slowly and relentlessly building within me over the course of many years. It was akin to a balloon which was slowly inflated over time with pressure increasing to a point at which I could not contain it any longer. In getting out, I immediately surprised myself by the lack of fear which I had in so doing. I was in fact quite comfortable in submitting myself to what appeared to come quite naturally for me. this was both a blessing and a curse for it meant that I had tasted of a life which felt finally correct yet meant that I would have to return to live within the realm which the "guy" had created.
I would have to state for the record, that once out publicly, there is a point of no return. There is a change mentally in one's perception - of what they thought was real to that point in their life, and one begins to see oneself as if one were third person omniscient - the proverbial fly on the wall looking back in upon oneself and able to finally see and understand.
I have the support of a wonderful spouse, but she has no desire, as of this writing, to live with a woman full time. Being a "part time" girl to the world carries with it, a huge weight to my own sense of identity. I find that some have no problem with simply finding time to "release" and be their feminine selves once in a while and that this is enough for them to then return to play the male role. For myself, it has created it's own point of angst as one's life begins to develop within the gender role in which they feel most comfortable.
For me, then, it becomes not something which deals with simply the clothes, or of any romantic or sexual pursuits, for these are not realms which hold bearing to me what-so-ever. For me, the feminine realm simply becomes a sociological one which allows me to be able to express my own sense of self in a way which is consistent with my inner sense of self. It is not quantifiable in any sense of the imagination but it is continually justified by the way in which the world around me relates to me when I am so presenting. And in that relational experience with the world, it all just *feels* correct in a way that it never did for the past 40 cognizant years of my own life.
Returning to present within my biological gender realm then becomes something of nightmare then, full knowing now what has finally felt right for once in my life. But understanding that the life I lead is constructed upon certain premises and ascertainments and assumptions requires that I fulfill the role laid out for me for the benefit of all around me and in maintaining the path of least resistance.
Standing in the middle bears great responsibility both to one's self and to the other's in the world around them. It provides for excursions across the gender borders to a world with vastly different perspectives and experiences. But always, while experiencing these realms, one need only look down to see that they are still silently connected to the world they were born into by an invisible gossamer leash. The rationalization of staying tied to that leash is the entanglement of reasons which brought us to the very spot one stands in now - and the responsibilities of the life led to this very point pull one back again to the other side.
It is the gift I give to my spouse that I maintain where I am. It is not an enviable position but it is not one I would deny anyone either. It brings great experience, wisdom and perspective and it also brings with that new-found perspective, a new set of anxieties in now knowing who one was meant to be but who one must maintain as.
I have always said that I would not wish being transgender on anyone, not even my worst enemy. But I would not want, either, to have this part of me taken away and to never have experienced what I have been given either.
One can hide one's true self from others - for the benefit of not having to allow them to deal with the variances within one's own sense of self - but one cannot hide from themselves forever either. Like matter and anti-matter colliding, where these two meet is not the question, it is a matter of when... and then how the new order in one's universe then reshapes as a result.
I noted many's amazement in the rapidity in which I went from being closeted to being quite public. I can only validate this suddenness to my angst and anxiety which had been slowly and relentlessly building within me over the course of many years. It was akin to a balloon which was slowly inflated over time with pressure increasing to a point at which I could not contain it any longer. In getting out, I immediately surprised myself by the lack of fear which I had in so doing. I was in fact quite comfortable in submitting myself to what appeared to come quite naturally for me. this was both a blessing and a curse for it meant that I had tasted of a life which felt finally correct yet meant that I would have to return to live within the realm which the "guy" had created.
I would have to state for the record, that once out publicly, there is a point of no return. There is a change mentally in one's perception - of what they thought was real to that point in their life, and one begins to see oneself as if one were third person omniscient - the proverbial fly on the wall looking back in upon oneself and able to finally see and understand.
I have the support of a wonderful spouse, but she has no desire, as of this writing, to live with a woman full time. Being a "part time" girl to the world carries with it, a huge weight to my own sense of identity. I find that some have no problem with simply finding time to "release" and be their feminine selves once in a while and that this is enough for them to then return to play the male role. For myself, it has created it's own point of angst as one's life begins to develop within the gender role in which they feel most comfortable.
For me, then, it becomes not something which deals with simply the clothes, or of any romantic or sexual pursuits, for these are not realms which hold bearing to me what-so-ever. For me, the feminine realm simply becomes a sociological one which allows me to be able to express my own sense of self in a way which is consistent with my inner sense of self. It is not quantifiable in any sense of the imagination but it is continually justified by the way in which the world around me relates to me when I am so presenting. And in that relational experience with the world, it all just *feels* correct in a way that it never did for the past 40 cognizant years of my own life.
Returning to present within my biological gender realm then becomes something of nightmare then, full knowing now what has finally felt right for once in my life. But understanding that the life I lead is constructed upon certain premises and ascertainments and assumptions requires that I fulfill the role laid out for me for the benefit of all around me and in maintaining the path of least resistance.
Standing in the middle bears great responsibility both to one's self and to the other's in the world around them. It provides for excursions across the gender borders to a world with vastly different perspectives and experiences. But always, while experiencing these realms, one need only look down to see that they are still silently connected to the world they were born into by an invisible gossamer leash. The rationalization of staying tied to that leash is the entanglement of reasons which brought us to the very spot one stands in now - and the responsibilities of the life led to this very point pull one back again to the other side.
It is the gift I give to my spouse that I maintain where I am. It is not an enviable position but it is not one I would deny anyone either. It brings great experience, wisdom and perspective and it also brings with that new-found perspective, a new set of anxieties in now knowing who one was meant to be but who one must maintain as.
I have always said that I would not wish being transgender on anyone, not even my worst enemy. But I would not want, either, to have this part of me taken away and to never have experienced what I have been given either.
One can hide one's true self from others - for the benefit of not having to allow them to deal with the variances within one's own sense of self - but one cannot hide from themselves forever either. Like matter and anti-matter colliding, where these two meet is not the question, it is a matter of when... and then how the new order in one's universe then reshapes as a result.
Christen,
ReplyDeleteDo you recall what it was at that time in your life that gave you the courage to make that step into the world and begin living as your authentic self?
Vicki