The Woman Within

I never thought it would come to this but perhaps I always did. It was the call from my dad today. He had just come from visiting with my mom in the convalescent home where she had been moved to just a day earlier. Her fractured pelvis had stopped bleeding and she was at least physically stable. Her mental state though has been tortured to say the least, haunted by the daemons of dementia slowly robbing her mind, her identity and her will to live. The phone rang just after 5:30 this afternoon. It was my dad and he sounded to be distraught and agitated by the tone of voice in which he hurriedly spoke. "What is it dad?", I asked. "How's mom doing in her rehab?" "I'm not going back to see her tomorrow", he abruptly chattered back. "Why?", I asked him incredulously. "The social workers won't let her go home with me when she gets out - not without someone to watch over her in my house.", he tartly replied. I had a feeling t...

It was an ominous phone call received late in the evening last weekend that dampened what had been one of my best days out shopping for wedding dresses. I remember the exact moment.... I was balanced on a ladder which was precariously perched on the stairs to the basement and hanging a pendant chandelier light when the phone rang. My wife answered the phone and acknowledged to me that it was my dad. Mom had taken another fall in the house again and was sedentary on the couch. My dad didn't know whether or not to take her in to the hospital as she wasn't experiencing any pain. She couldn't walk, my dad explained to me. Stunned by that statement my spouse and I exclaimed that he needed to call an ambulance to the house immediately to have her seen. It was my mom's lack of complaint and of pain as she had lay on the couch and tended to by my dad that had both her and my dad feeling that this was just a simple bruise from a fall. Her arrival at the hospital however a...

Saturday, October 15 was a great experience for both my spouse, Joanne, and myself as we took a venture out for a day of dining and shopping. There is still some level of concern on my spouse's part with her primary fear being for my best interest. "What if someone says something or causes you trouble or harm?" she often worries. It's more about her worries of what could happen but what never seems to that worries her most. It's having been out a number of times on my own or with other friends which has helped me to gain the confidence of understanding that we are simply accepted by others as who we portray. So long as we are confident in who we are inside, and so long as we exude that confidence outwardly when we present ourselves in the greater world, there are few problems that will likely ever be encountered. Joanne and I had a wonderful lunch at a local Chinese Restaurant Saturday afternoon. Interestingly, after lunch, she snapped open her fortune cookie an...

My spouse and I spent a wonderful weekend with our friends, a couple, who live on the other side of the state in New Hampshire. It was a day filled with great conversations and lively atmosphere as we trekked from store to store in the resort town shopping mecca of North Conway, New Hampshire. It was a day too, for Joanne and I to learn from each other and the world, as we interacted with the greater world in a busy realm. Joanne and I arrived at Joanie's house in the early afternoon on Saturday and were met at the front door by her spouse, Deb. After exchanging greetings and hugs, we headed in with our overnight bags to our guest room. Joanne made herself comfortable as I proceeded to get my makeup on, get dressed and to style my hair for a day of shopping adventure. It took me about an hour and a half to get myself put together but the end result proved worth it. I went for an upscale look with my ruffled top, brown pants with buckled belt and low brown mary jane shoes. Jo...

9.29.10 - An interesting day out.... It was after work that I drove down to my therapist's office to chat about what's been going on since our last visit nearly six weeks ago. There was a lot to chat about - with SCC happening - with me coming out to my parents and Joanne to her mom about me - about my adventures out and about - and, most importantly, how I felt inside. That last one always takes me by surprise I find. It's the simplest of questions but it causes the greatest amount of thought and reflection. I thought carefully about the question as it was posed towards the latter part of our meeting. I've been in a paradox of thoughts really. I am comfortable with myself and quite happy to simply exist as the woman I am inside and frustrated that I continue the 'swiss cheese' persona of the male character I had built up over so many years. Frustration... no - really more anxiety - and showing up in my dreams in restless nights and in my thoughts by day. ...