It's late evening and I'm home alone. Joanne is staying at her mother's house and I'm half dressed in the quiescent solitude enfemme and staring at the reflection in the mirror of the boygirl looking back at me. Half of my beard has disappeared at this point thanks to a combination of laser and electrolysis treatments. My longer fingernails and shaved arms look feminine now and my hair is growing out to longer lengths. I am thinking how I am looking forward to getting out on Saturday enfemme again but also at the lie I am living each and every day. I do it to hold together the life I have allowed to be created around me. It's the life I live based upon the expectations that others have come to expect of me. I worked to please my parents and my friends and my co-workers and my managers and my in-laws and now my wife. I've always wanted to be what everyone hoped and now has come to expect me to be. I've spent my life trying to please others and in so doing thinking that this would please my own self. Truth be told, nothing could be farther from the truth.
The tower of cards was built tall and now it shakes in the flutter of the wind which threatens to knock it down in a flash. Me getting out as my female self has only served to affirm who I am inside. For years I hid my identity by rationalizing that I was a boy who enjoyed being feminine on occasion as a form of release. I was the boy who occasionally looked at himself as a girl in the mirror. Now, I shudder when I look in that same mirror – a year later. I was a boy who presented as a girl on occasion. Now I see a girl who must pretend to be a boy to satisfy the world that HE has both created and allowed by others to be affirmed in its creation around him.
The tables are turned now. I don't know when it happened but it has. It's far more scarey than I had imagined it could be for I am not the person I thought I was. The boy was really the mirrage and the reflection of that girl I would see in the mirror was really me. The boy is the reflection in the mirror and the girl was now me.
I don't know what to do anymore. I am constantly on the verge of crying. I am elated and depressed at the same time. I am free yet trapped. I am around so many who can understand yet utterly alone and most of all, I am very very afraid. I don't know what to do anymore and I can't pull it together for the sake of others any longer. Something will break soon, or I will.