The Woman Within

More than a few requests have trickled in regarding my first adventure out into the mainstream world last Tuesday evening and so here's the trip log and a little bit of what I was feeling and experiencing.... Although I had been out prior to alternative clubs as my true feminine self, I had not as of that point, ventured to great degree into the more busy realm of the mainstream world. Last Tuesday evening represented my first foray into the greater world and it was met with great success and validation. The evening was to start with dinner at a mainstream Chinese Restaurant linked to a major mall. As we drove through the parking lot of the mall in multiple loops, it became more and more obvious that this restaurant would only be accessible by entering in through the Mall. This realization added a layer of subdued panic to that moment, although I composed myself to maintain authority of the impending situation. We parked in the garage under Nordstrom's and ma...

Repressed memories really do take some time to surface I am finding. I have only in the past 6 months come to realize so much about myself from childhood that I never thought I even remembered and this was before I started to research this. The past came at me with a single remembrance one evening recently that struck me and opened doors into my memory that I never knew existed. Working back through the memories, I pulled out many photo albums which contained pictures taken during my childhood. I looked at each one carefully. Facial expressions, poses for the camera - all were examined. I asked my spouse to look through these as well and to independently come up with her assessment of what she saw. It was the poses, the way I stood, the way I looked, the way I had my hands on my hips. The looks of sadness or that look of being a million miles off in space when the picture was taken. Some of the pictures from the teenage years, she said, showed a deep depression. She w...

Recently, a thought came to me.... "Happiness is the journey, not the destination" which started me to thinking about this in the context of the life I have led thus far. Earlier in my life, I felt that happiness could be obtained by carefully mapping out my life and connecting the goals-of-life dots. The end result was thereby the penultimate achievement and the journey then was at times being ignored. In the process, I suppressed my own sense of self to fit the mold that would map out this course of direction. As time passed, I checked off each of the things I managed to achieve and came closer to the materialistic and definable goals I had mapped. In the process, I ignored my own sense of self and ignored the journey it needed to fulfill. I had suppressed the journey of self in favor of reaching the destinations of the material life. It was not a negativity, just a lack of inclusion for an important facet that was being repressed. In a similar way, I am fin...